That's Jokes

Matt

That’s nuts. If I were on that plane I’d have gone home and told my family about the dreamy well dressed doctor who tenderly cared for me during my moment of terror. My version would have had snakes in it though. ️

endo

haha, not dreamy well dressed I‘m afraid, and no snakes

IrishHeart

Newbie here, so hopefully nobody offended by this one.

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Abbot said, “ sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the abbot said to her, “ Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.
Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
“Im sorry to hear that” the Abbot said, “we’ll get you a better bed.”
After 5 more years, Sister Mary was called by the Abbot. “ You may say another 2 words Sister”.
“ Cold food”, said Sister Mary. The Abbot assured her the food would be better in future.
On her 15th anniversary, the Abbot again called Sister Mary into his office. “ You may say 2 words today”.
“ I quit” said Sister Mary.
“It’s probably for the best” said the Abbot, “ you’ve done fuck all but moan since you’ve been here”.

Giles

Brilliant

Autorotate

(This may have been posted earlier)

All of my fake plants died… because I forgot to pretend to water them.
-Mitch Hedberg

I did a YouTube deep dive on some of his joke yesterday, and this is his most popular. King of the deadpan one-liners. He was absolutely brilliant. For a good laugh, I recommend searching some of his performances. Happy Friday!

goosehd

Hedberg always makes me laugh I think this is one of the one liners he is most known for:

Kasi

@Matt

Taking English lessons

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Co423oxgmJh/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Jett129

@Autorotate I'm a huge,huge really huge Mitch Hedbberg fan ,and over the years I've occasionally posted clips,and never got any response. Nice to see someone else posting about him. One of my favorites is... My friend said look at this picture of me when I was younger,I told him every picture of you is when you were younger!

scarfmace

A guy changes jobs and on his first day, askes where you can get a full tank of gas at lowest price around the area. His co-worker Bill tells him there is a gas station no to far off, its not the cheapest but they run an incredible deal and he should check it out for sure.
The guy follows directions and upon locating the station, he spots a huge sign that says: “Free sex here!”
Intrigued, he stops, fills his car and enters the shop. Asking about the sign, the dude behind the counter explains: If you get a full tank of gas, you can enter a lottery, guess the right number between 1 and 10, and receive free sex. Our guy shouts out 7 but no luck, the correct number was 8.
next week, same story, 3 when its 5 and so the story continues.
After a couple months the two coworkers meet up again and our guy goes on a ramble telling Bill he thinks the gas station is a scam, he never ever got the numbers right.
Impossible answers Bill, both my wife and my daughter win all the time!