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Iron Heart Fall/Winter 2025 Collection Preview - Now Live

That's Jokes

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  • R
    ROman
    Haraki san Prodigy
    Joined: 5 Jan 2015

    WOW @endo glad you made it out Okay, and were able to help the others that were injured. Crazy story.

    last edited by 2 Mar 2023, 15:18 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
    • M
      Matt
      見習いボス
      Joined: 4 Oct 2011

      That’s nuts. If I were on that plane I’d have gone home and told my family about the dreamy well dressed doctor who tenderly cared for me during my moment of terror. My version would have had snakes in it though. 🐍 ✈️

      last edited by 2 Mar 2023, 15:24 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • E
        endo
        見習いボス
        Joined: 29 May 2020

        haha, not dreamy well dressed I‘m afraid, and no snakes

        si tacuisses

        last edited by 2 Mar 2023, 15:29 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • I
          IrishHeart
          Haraki san Expert
          Joined: 1 Mar 2023

          Newbie here, so hopefully nobody offended by this one.

          Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Abbot said, “ sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
          Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the abbot said to her, “ Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.
          Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
          “Im sorry to hear that” the Abbot said, “we’ll get you a better bed.”
          After 5 more years, Sister Mary was called by the Abbot. “ You may say another 2 words Sister”.
          “ Cold food”, said Sister Mary. The Abbot assured her the food would be better in future.
          On her 15th anniversary, the Abbot again called Sister Mary into his office. “ You may say 2 words today”.
          “ I quit” said Sister Mary.
          “It’s probably for the best” said the Abbot, “ you’ve done fuck all but moan since you’ve been here”.

          last edited by 3 Mar 2023, 11:43 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 7
          • G
            Giles
            IHUK Crew
            Joined: 22 Sept 2009

            Brilliant

            "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

            last edited by 3 Mar 2023, 11:48 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • A
              Autorotate
              Joined: 6 Feb 2021

              (This may have been posted earlier)

              All of my fake plants died… because I forgot to pretend to water them.
              -Mitch Hedberg

              I did a YouTube deep dive on some of his joke yesterday, and this is his most popular. King of the deadpan one-liners. He was absolutely brilliant. For a good laugh, I recommend searching some of his performances. Happy Friday!

              last edited by 3 Mar 2023, 12:39 J 1 Reply Last reply 27 Mar 2023, 18:29 Reply Quote 2
              • G
                goosehd
                Mod Squad
                Joined: 8 Apr 2016

                Hedberg always makes me laugh 😂 I think this is one of the one liners he is most known for:

                "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                last edited by 3 Mar 2023, 12:43 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 2
                • topic:timeago-later,22 days
                • K
                  Kasi
                  見習いボス
                  Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                  @Matt

                  Taking English lessons 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

                  https://www.instagram.com/reel/Co423oxgmJh/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

                  The world's insane
                  While you drink champagne
                  And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                  last edited by 25 Mar 2023, 10:24 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • J
                    Jett129
                    見習いボス
                    @Autorotate
                    Joined: 17 Aug 2011

                    @Autorotate I'm a huge,huge really huge Mitch Hedbberg fan ,and over the years I've occasionally posted clips,and never got any response. Nice to see someone else posting about him. One of my favorites is... My friend said look at this picture of me when I was younger,I told him every picture of you is when you were younger!

                    last edited by Jett129 27 Mar 2023, 18:29 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
                    • S
                      scarfmace
                      Haraki san Expert
                      Joined: 20 Feb 2015

                      A guy changes jobs and on his first day, askes where you can get a full tank of gas at lowest price around the area. His co-worker Bill tells him there is a gas station no to far off, its not the cheapest but they run an incredible deal and he should check it out for sure.
                      The guy follows directions and upon locating the station, he spots a huge sign that says: “Free sex here!”
                      Intrigued, he stops, fills his car and enters the shop. Asking about the sign, the dude behind the counter explains: If you get a full tank of gas, you can enter a lottery, guess the right number between 1 and 10, and receive free sex. Our guy shouts out 7 but no luck, the correct number was 8.
                      next week, same story, 3 when its 5 and so the story continues.
                      After a couple months the two coworkers meet up again and our guy goes on a ramble telling Bill he thinks the gas station is a scam, he never ever got the numbers right.
                      Impossible answers Bill, both my wife and my daughter win all the time!

                      "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

                      last edited by 28 Mar 2023, 12:23 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 2
                      • K
                        Kasi
                        見習いボス
                        Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                        @Matt
                        You doing good
                        Math lesson

                        https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnrWjnpBMTu/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

                        The world's insane
                        While you drink champagne
                        And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                        last edited by 28 Mar 2023, 20:30 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • J
                          Jett129
                          見習いボス
                          Joined: 17 Aug 2011

                          One of my favorites. Sites Mitch Hedberg as an influence.

                          last edited by 29 Mar 2023, 00:51 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • K
                            Kasi
                            見習いボス
                            Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                            @Matt

                            This one for you lesson 3

                            🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

                            https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnZJiKmpmAA/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

                            If you need to lose weight do this

                            https://www.instagram.com/reel/CoHzfVtjW_Y/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

                            The world's insane
                            While you drink champagne
                            And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                            last edited by Kasi 30 Mar 2023, 19:34 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • K
                              Kasi
                              見習いボス
                              Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                              🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 https://www.instagram.com/reel/CpeBXf7owSD/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

                              The world's insane
                              While you drink champagne
                              And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                              last edited by 30 Mar 2023, 19:44 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • M
                                Matt
                                見習いボス
                                Joined: 4 Oct 2011

                                Do you think I need to lose weight?

                                last edited by 30 Mar 2023, 19:52 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • K
                                  Kasi
                                  見習いボス
                                  Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                                  Yes to get your ring size right 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

                                  The world's insane
                                  While you drink champagne
                                  And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                                  last edited by 30 Mar 2023, 20:17 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • M
                                    Matt
                                    見習いボス
                                    Joined: 4 Oct 2011

                                    My fingers are all muscle. They’ll kick sand on your tiny baby fingers. 🤘💪

                                    last edited by 30 Mar 2023, 21:01 K 1 Reply Last reply 1 Apr 2023, 13:23 Reply Quote 0
                                    • K
                                      Kasi
                                      見習いボス
                                      Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                                      @Matt

                                      Use protection
                                      🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

                                      https://www.instagram.com/reel/CokSyxOjo5a/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

                                      The world's insane
                                      While you drink champagne
                                      And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                                      last edited by 1 Apr 2023, 13:20 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • K
                                        Kasi
                                        見習いボス
                                        @Matt
                                        Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                                        @Matt said in That's Jokes:

                                        My fingers are all muscle. They’ll kick sand on your tiny baby fingers. 🤘💪

                                        That why you look 87 years old

                                        You old codger

                                        Jealous I am younger than you 🤣🤣🤣

                                        The world's insane
                                        While you drink champagne
                                        And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                                        last edited by 1 Apr 2023, 13:23 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • K
                                          Kasi
                                          見習いボス
                                          Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                                          @Matt
                                          You doing well in English lesson 🤣🤣🤣🤣 keep up the good work

                                          https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cn3FPLFtFK-/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

                                          The world's insane
                                          While you drink champagne
                                          And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                                          last edited by Kasi 4 Jan 2023, 13:40 1 Apr 2023, 13:39 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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