That's Jokes
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Newbie here, so hopefully nobody offended by this one.
Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Abbot said, “ sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the abbot said to her, “ Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.
Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
“Im sorry to hear that” the Abbot said, “we’ll get you a better bed.”
After 5 more years, Sister Mary was called by the Abbot. “ You may say another 2 words Sister”.
“ Cold food”, said Sister Mary. The Abbot assured her the food would be better in future.
On her 15th anniversary, the Abbot again called Sister Mary into his office. “ You may say 2 words today”.
“ I quit” said Sister Mary.
“It’s probably for the best” said the Abbot, “ you’ve done fuck all but moan since you’ve been here”. -
(This may have been posted earlier)
All of my fake plants died… because I forgot to pretend to water them.
-Mitch HedbergI did a YouTube deep dive on some of his joke yesterday, and this is his most popular. King of the deadpan one-liners. He was absolutely brilliant. For a good laugh, I recommend searching some of his performances. Happy Friday!
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@Autorotate I'm a huge,huge really huge Mitch Hedbberg fan ,and over the years I've occasionally posted clips,and never got any response. Nice to see someone else posting about him. One of my favorites is... My friend said look at this picture of me when I was younger,I told him every picture of you is when you were younger!
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A guy changes jobs and on his first day, askes where you can get a full tank of gas at lowest price around the area. His co-worker Bill tells him there is a gas station no to far off, its not the cheapest but they run an incredible deal and he should check it out for sure.
The guy follows directions and upon locating the station, he spots a huge sign that says: “Free sex here!”
Intrigued, he stops, fills his car and enters the shop. Asking about the sign, the dude behind the counter explains: If you get a full tank of gas, you can enter a lottery, guess the right number between 1 and 10, and receive free sex. Our guy shouts out 7 but no luck, the correct number was 8.
next week, same story, 3 when its 5 and so the story continues.
After a couple months the two coworkers meet up again and our guy goes on a ramble telling Bill he thinks the gas station is a scam, he never ever got the numbers right.
Impossible answers Bill, both my wife and my daughter win all the time! -
@Matt
You doing good
Math lessonhttps://www.instagram.com/reel/CnrWjnpBMTu/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
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This one for you lesson 3
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnZJiKmpmAA/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
If you need to lose weight do this
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CoHzfVtjW_Y/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
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@Matt said in That's Jokes:
My fingers are all muscle. They’ll kick sand on your tiny baby fingers.
That why you look 87 years old
You old codger
Jealous I am younger than you
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@Matt
You doing well in English lesson keep up the good workhttps://www.instagram.com/reel/Cn3FPLFtFK-/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
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A guy gets sent to prison for a long stretch. On his first night in the clink, after lights out, his cell mate goes up to the bars and shouts out “Number 13”.
The whole place starts chuckling, with guys in every cell laughing. After the laugher subsides, someone from another cell shouts out “Number 47”. Everyone in the block chuckles again. Soon, someone yells “Number 26” and there’s a few muted guffaws from the block.
“What’s going on?” The new fish asks. “Why is everyone laughing at numbers?”
The cell mate explains “oh, we have been in here so long that we have learned all of one another’s jokes. So someone came up with the idea of assigning each of them a number so we can get through them quicker each evening. Someone yells a number, we all know which one it is, and we laugh at the memory.”
“Oh, I get it” says the new fish. “Let me have a go.” He moves to the bars and shouts out “Number 67”.
The whole block erupts into deep, uncontrollable belly laughter. The cell mate is doubled over gasping for breath he is laughing so hard.
“That’s a good one” he says, once he has regained his composure. “None of us have heard that one before!”
I think this is one of the one liners he is most known for:
