That's Jokes
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Ok, so I have a filthy one (but not egregiously so). I was at Eeyore's Birthday this past weekend (an Austin dirtbag hippie mainstay — if you know, you know) and this appropriately dirtbag hippie street poet guy came up to us and offered a joke:
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I don't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
…I'll show myself out
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LOL @popvulture that is the wookiest joke I've heard all day
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Hahahaha — I mean, the odds of him being dressed like a wookie while telling me that joke were quite high. I'm surprised he wasn't, to be honest.
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By "wook," I mean a colloquial term for a dirty hippie (which originates from their often Chewbacca-esque appearance).
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Hahaha I'm using that — I thought you'd tied it into May the Fourth (but alas that was yesterday)
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We're gonna be down to just one or two bars by the time I'm done with those.
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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen.. I can feel it.
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Ventriloquist
He's a ventriloquist walking around the countryside.
A storm is coming, driving rain is falling on him. He sees a farm. The peasant welcomes him and even offers him a snack. Once the good weather returns, the ventriloquist tells himself that to thank his host, he will use his artistic skills.He goes to a hen and makes her talk:
"How is your life on the farm"?
"Well, he steals my eggs in the morning but that's fine"
Then the turn of the cow.
"How is your life on the farm?"
"I'm also fine despite the fact that he touches my udders every morning and steals my milk."
As he walks towards a goat, the feverish peasant exclaims:
"Don't listen to her, she's a liar"
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A Scotsman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are comparing their local pubs.
"At McTavish's place, The Full Haggis in Aberdeen, McTavish will buy your fifth pint every time you buy four. It's the best deal going!"
"No" says the Englishman. "The Red Lion in London is the best pub around. So much history, it's an icon, and every 3rd pint is on the house for us regulars!"
"Ah dat's nothin" says the Irishman "at my local, in Kilkenny, they'll buy you one drink, then another, all the drinks you can manage really. Then when you're done drinking they'll take you upstairs and make sure that you get laid all night long!"
"Bullshit" say the other two. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Well, not to me, no" the Irishman admits, "but it's happened to me sister a bunch o' times!"
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Older and Wiser
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!
Moral of This Story
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
such a prick