That's Jokes
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Man is driving down the road alongside some English orchards when he sees a sign saying "Apples, £5 each, next left".
"£5 each for an apple!" the guy thinks to himself! "That's crazy, I've got to see what makes them so special." So he pulls into the farm, and finds the farmer sat on his porch with three baskets of fresh, red apples next to him. "What's the deal with these £5 apples?" he asks. "For those prices, they'd better be something special."
"They are" asserts the farmer. "The apples taste of peanut butter and jelly."
"I don't believe you, but I'm curious enough to give one a try" says our guy. And they agree that if the apple doesn't taste of peanut butter and jelly, he'll get his £5 back. The deal is struck, the farmer takes an apple from the basket nearest him, and hands it over. On his first bite, the guy is overwhelmed with the nutty, earthy taste of pure peanut butter. "That's amazing" he says, "but I'm not getting any jelly. Give me back my fiver."
"Try the other side" says the farmer. And sure enough, upon biting the other side, the guy can taste a sweet strawberry jam.
"That's pretty amazing" says the guy. "You got anything else?"
"Well, these apples" says the farmer, gesturing at the second basket "taste of ham and cheese. But they're £10 each, as it's twice as hard to get those savoury flavours into them".
The guy is game to try these too, so the same deal is struck, if the apples from the second basket don't taste of ham and cheese, then he'll get his tenner back. Upon biting the second apple, the guy is immediately struck by the taste of a sharp, mature cheddar cheese. "Other side for the ham?" he asks, and the farmer nods. Sure enough, on the other side of the apple is the meaty, slightly sweet taste of a well aged honey roast ham.
The guy starts eying the third basket. "And those?" he asks...
"They're £50 each" says the farmer.
"Fifty quid!" shouts the guy. "For that money, they'd better taste of pussy!"
"Well, as a matter of fact..." says the farmer, blushing slightly "they do!" So they strike the same deal, and the guy hands over £50 for a apple from the third basket.
The guy takes a bite and immediately starts gagging and retching. "That tastes like shit!" he yells.
"Sorry" says the farmer. "Try the other side."
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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking alongside a lake on a hot summer's day with the sun beating down on them. They decide to cool off in the lake, but as neither thought to bring a bathing suit, they go skinny dipping. After a refreshing swim, they come back to the beach to discover that their robes have been taken.
They set off looking for their missing clothing when they come across a group of people camping out on the lakeside. The Priest covers his manhood with his hands, while the Rabbi covers his face. Unfortunately, the campers do not know where their clothes have gone, so they depart to continue their search.
As they are walking away the Priest says "Brother, why didn't you cover your modesty, like me?"
"I don't know how you Christians do it" he replies "but my community recognises me by my face!"
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, an older woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
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He must be a colonial
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Shane Gillis has a new hour up on Netflix. There’s a George Washington skit in there that details how he was able to defeat the British; KILLS
