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    • ARNCA
      ARNC
      啓蒙家
      Joined:

      As that Larkin poem came up after a recent UHHH, I thought you might enjoy this from today’s Times:

      “Every day that you survive you get a free sunset“

      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • steelworkerS
        steelworker
        見習いボス
        Joined:

        that's great @ARNC  😃 😃

        Those are my principles, and if you don't like them…
        Well, I have others.

        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • J
          Jett129
          見習いボス
          Joined:

          Reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg quote…"I used to do drugs,I still do,but I used to"

          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • EdHE
            EdH
            Iron Heart Deity
            Joined:

            Old man is called in by the tax authorities to explain his extraordinarily lavish lifestyle on his modest pension. He takes his lawyer with him.

            Taxman challenges the old man to explain himself. The old man explains that there is nothing crooked going on, he is just a very talented gambler.

            The old man asks the taxman if he would like a little wager, and bets the taxman that he can bite his own eye, for £1,500. The taxman, thinking this task impossible, accepts the easy bet. The old man pops his glass eye out of its socket, bites it quickly, then pops it back in his head.

            "Fuck" says the taxman, before the old man offers him "double-or-nothing, I bet I can also bite the other eye". The taxman can see that the old man is clearly not blind, so he takes the bet. The old man promptly pops out his dentures, uses them in his hand to bite his good eye gently, and then puts his dentures back in.

            "Shiiiit" says the taxman, angry to have been fooled twice to the tune of £3,000, and in front of the old man's lawyer no less! There's no way he's wriggling out of a fair bet, with witnesses.

            "One more, double-or-nothing" says the old man. "I bet I can stand on one side of your desk and piss over your desk so that all the piss lands in that wastepaper bin on the other side, and not a drop will land on your desk".

            "You're on" says the taxman, grateful to have the chance to get out of his predicament. "Not even a young man could maintain the powerful stream which would be needed to keep my desk completely dry".

            The old man goes to the side of the long desk, gets his dick out, and starts to piss. Just as the taxman predicted, the old man had no power behind him, and the piss went all over his desk in a pathetic dribble, soaking all of his papers and files, and causing his laptop to suddenly fizzle out with a spark.

            "Yes!" yelled the taxman, jumping out of his chair with his arms overhead "pay up old man, you owe me £6,000!".

            "Fuuuuuuck!" yelled the lawyer, dropping his head into his hands. "This old motherfucker bet me £50,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

            Take the dive...

            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • OaktaviaO
              Oaktavia
              見習いボス
              Joined:

              hahahaha

              IG: electricindigowizard

              "Possibly splitting hairs, but I consider @Oaktavia to be the beardy, dank High Magus of this denim game…" @neph93

              WTB: IHJ-72- XL/XXL

              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • S
                sabergirl
                見習いボス
                Joined:

                So the joke is she’s a whore?! Or like, haha rara misogyny?

                Either way, not landing as funny.

                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • S
                  sabergirl
                  見習いボス
                  Joined:

                  Wow, and just like that, the post is already gone. Nice work, mod crew!

                  Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • goosehdG
                    goosehd
                    Mod Squad
                    Joined:

                    x2.  Good call crew!

                    "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • EdHE
                      EdH
                      Iron Heart Deity
                      Joined:

                      An Arab is lost in the desert, without any supplies, baking under the hot midday sun, when he sees a man sat atop a dune in the distance. He approaches, hoping it is not a mirage. He is correct, and the man turns out to be sat behind a beautiful Persian rug, upon which are laid numerous neckties, in all colours, patterns and shapes. Beside each style is a little card indicating that these ties are for sale for the most extortionate prices the Arab has ever seen.

                      "Please" begs the Arab as he comes close to the man, "water… I'm dying of thirst... do you have any water?"

                      "Why hello good sir! Are you here to buy a tie?" says the tie salesman, cheerily.

                      "No... water... please... do you have any? I'm so thirsty!"

                      "I am afraid I do not have any water sir" says the salesman, "but I think a tie is just what you need to smarten you up. Your shirt looks a little dusty, and I have numerous ties which would compliment your ensemble quite nicely!"

                      "No, thank you... Please... you must have water..." pleads the Arab.

                      "Alas, I do not have water" says the salesman "I drank heartily before leaving home this morning. But I know of a restaurant a few miles East of here which will surely have water. But are you sure that you won't buy a tie? There are no other tie salesmen serving this area, and you will continue to look a bit shabby until you get one!"

                      "Thank you" says the Arab, politely deciding not to say anything about the salesman's overbearing sales patter or extortionate prices, before he starts in the direction of the restaurant.

                      A few hours later the tie salesman is packing up his wares for the day when the Arab returns, crawling, on his hands and knees and clutching his parched throat from his desperate thirst.

                      "Ah, hello again!" says the tie salesman. "Did you find the restaurant?"

                      "Yes" said the Arab "but your fucking brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

                      Take the dive...

                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • KasiK
                        Kasi
                        見習いボス
                        Joined:

                        A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

                        'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
                        The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
                        She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

                        The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
                        Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

                        The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
                        'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

                        The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
                        'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

                        He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

                        The world's insane
                        While you drink champagne
                        And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • GilesG
                          Giles
                          IHUK Crew
                          Joined:

                          hahahahahaha

                          "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • EdHE
                            EdH
                            Iron Heart Deity
                            Joined:

                            Good one @Kasi!

                            Take the dive...

                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • mclaincauseyM
                              mclaincausey
                              見習いボス
                              Joined:

                              What do you call cattle satisfying itself?

                              (In my defense, no one said it had to be a funny joke)

                              Think it, be it.

                              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • J
                                Jett129
                                見習いボス
                                Joined:

                                C’mon,Nobody…Beef Strokin Off.  How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?  Ten Tickles!

                                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • SeulS
                                  Seul
                                  Joined:

                                  These are really bad… "There was a fire at the circus yesterday - it was in tense" kinda bad...

                                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • J
                                    Jett129
                                    見習いボス
                                    Joined:

                                    Dude,It gets worse-Why did the Banana take medicine?…It wasn’t peeling well!

                                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • mclaincauseyM
                                      mclaincausey
                                      見習いボス
                                      Joined:

                                      LOL–another dad, I see 😃

                                      Think it, be it.

                                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • J
                                        Jett129
                                        見習いボス
                                        Joined:

                                        Why can’t you play cards in the jungle?…Too many Cheetahs!

                                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • JestocostJ
                                          Jestocost
                                          Joined:

                                          A good ol' boy from Alabama is visiting at his parents' house to break the news that he's proposed to his girlfriend. He tells them all the reasons he wants to marry this gal – looks, personality, still got all her teeth, the whole 9 yards -- and they seem thrilled until it accidentally slips that his new fiancée was still a virgin when they met.

                                          His father immediately gets serious and demands, "call off the wedding immediately. You can't marry this woman."

                                          Shocked, the son asks, "but pa, why? I love her!"

                                          His father replies, "son, if she ain't good enough fer' her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours!"

                                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                          • EdHE
                                            EdH
                                            Iron Heart Deity
                                            Joined:

                                            Got this one from a young lady we were interviewing for a job last week. We're going to make her a job offer.


                                            3 Irish Catholic priests are in the back of a limo. An Irish Garda pulls them over, and gets off his bike to have a word. He taps on the glass and the priests roll down their window.

                                            "We're looking for 3 paedophiles…" begins the Garda. The first priest immediately starts rolling the window back up again. "Please" says the first priest "let us have a moment to confer".

                                            The priests have a quick word between themselves and quickly come to an agreement. They roll the window back down.

                                            "Ok" says the priest, "we'll do it."

                                            Take the dive...

                                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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