• Home
    • Recent
    • Calendar
    • Register
    • Login
    Iron Heart Forum
    Iron Heart Forum

    New Iron Heart Website - Live Now - Feedback and Bug Report Here Please!

    That's Jokes

    General Chat
    123
    1.2k
    220.9k
    Loading More Posts
    • Oldest to Newest
    • Newest to Oldest
    • Most Votes
    Reply
    • Reply as topic
    Log in to reply
    This topic has been deleted. Only users with topic management privileges can see it.
    • EdHE
      EdH
      Iron Heart Deity
      Joined:

      A Scotsman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are comparing their local pubs.

      "At McTavish's place, The Full Haggis in Aberdeen, McTavish will buy your fifth pint every time you buy four. It's the best deal going!"

      "No" says the Englishman. "The Red Lion in London is the best pub around. So much history, it's an icon, and every 3rd pint is on the house for us regulars!"

      "Ah dat's nothin" says the Irishman "at my local, in Kilkenny, they'll buy you one drink, then another, all the drinks you can manage really. Then when you're done drinking they'll take you upstairs and make sure that you get laid all night long!"

      "Bullshit" say the other two. "Did this actually happen to you?"

      "Well, not to me, no" the Irishman admits, "but it's happened to me sister a bunch o' times!"

      Take the dive...

      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • J
        Jett129
        見習いボス
        Joined:

        As I was reading,I was wondering where’s he going with this? Good one.

        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • GilesG
          Giles
          IHUK Crew
          Joined:

          Brilliant…..

          "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • goosehdG
            goosehd
            Mod Squad
            Joined:

            Older and Wiser

            An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

            The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

            Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?

            Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!

            Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

            The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

            Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

            Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!

            Moral of This Story
            Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

            "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • ARNCA
              ARNC
              啓蒙家
              Joined:

              As that Larkin poem came up after a recent UHHH, I thought you might enjoy this from today’s Times:

              “Every day that you survive you get a free sunset“

              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • steelworkerS
                steelworker
                見習いボス
                Joined:

                that's great @ARNC  😃 😃

                Those are my principles, and if you don't like them…
                Well, I have others.

                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • J
                  Jett129
                  見習いボス
                  Joined:

                  Reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg quote…"I used to do drugs,I still do,but I used to"

                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • EdHE
                    EdH
                    Iron Heart Deity
                    Joined:

                    Old man is called in by the tax authorities to explain his extraordinarily lavish lifestyle on his modest pension. He takes his lawyer with him.

                    Taxman challenges the old man to explain himself. The old man explains that there is nothing crooked going on, he is just a very talented gambler.

                    The old man asks the taxman if he would like a little wager, and bets the taxman that he can bite his own eye, for £1,500. The taxman, thinking this task impossible, accepts the easy bet. The old man pops his glass eye out of its socket, bites it quickly, then pops it back in his head.

                    "Fuck" says the taxman, before the old man offers him "double-or-nothing, I bet I can also bite the other eye". The taxman can see that the old man is clearly not blind, so he takes the bet. The old man promptly pops out his dentures, uses them in his hand to bite his good eye gently, and then puts his dentures back in.

                    "Shiiiit" says the taxman, angry to have been fooled twice to the tune of £3,000, and in front of the old man's lawyer no less! There's no way he's wriggling out of a fair bet, with witnesses.

                    "One more, double-or-nothing" says the old man. "I bet I can stand on one side of your desk and piss over your desk so that all the piss lands in that wastepaper bin on the other side, and not a drop will land on your desk".

                    "You're on" says the taxman, grateful to have the chance to get out of his predicament. "Not even a young man could maintain the powerful stream which would be needed to keep my desk completely dry".

                    The old man goes to the side of the long desk, gets his dick out, and starts to piss. Just as the taxman predicted, the old man had no power behind him, and the piss went all over his desk in a pathetic dribble, soaking all of his papers and files, and causing his laptop to suddenly fizzle out with a spark.

                    "Yes!" yelled the taxman, jumping out of his chair with his arms overhead "pay up old man, you owe me £6,000!".

                    "Fuuuuuuck!" yelled the lawyer, dropping his head into his hands. "This old motherfucker bet me £50,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

                    Take the dive...

                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • OaktaviaO
                      Oaktavia
                      見習いボス
                      Joined:

                      hahahaha

                      IG: electricindigowizard

                      "Possibly splitting hairs, but I consider @Oaktavia to be the beardy, dank High Magus of this denim game…" @neph93

                      WTB: IHJ-72- XL/XXL

                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • S
                        sabergirl
                        見習いボス
                        Joined:

                        So the joke is she’s a whore?! Or like, haha rara misogyny?

                        Either way, not landing as funny.

                        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • S
                          sabergirl
                          見習いボス
                          Joined:

                          Wow, and just like that, the post is already gone. Nice work, mod crew!

                          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • goosehdG
                            goosehd
                            Mod Squad
                            Joined:

                            x2.  Good call crew!

                            "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • EdHE
                              EdH
                              Iron Heart Deity
                              Joined:

                              An Arab is lost in the desert, without any supplies, baking under the hot midday sun, when he sees a man sat atop a dune in the distance. He approaches, hoping it is not a mirage. He is correct, and the man turns out to be sat behind a beautiful Persian rug, upon which are laid numerous neckties, in all colours, patterns and shapes. Beside each style is a little card indicating that these ties are for sale for the most extortionate prices the Arab has ever seen.

                              "Please" begs the Arab as he comes close to the man, "water… I'm dying of thirst... do you have any water?"

                              "Why hello good sir! Are you here to buy a tie?" says the tie salesman, cheerily.

                              "No... water... please... do you have any? I'm so thirsty!"

                              "I am afraid I do not have any water sir" says the salesman, "but I think a tie is just what you need to smarten you up. Your shirt looks a little dusty, and I have numerous ties which would compliment your ensemble quite nicely!"

                              "No, thank you... Please... you must have water..." pleads the Arab.

                              "Alas, I do not have water" says the salesman "I drank heartily before leaving home this morning. But I know of a restaurant a few miles East of here which will surely have water. But are you sure that you won't buy a tie? There are no other tie salesmen serving this area, and you will continue to look a bit shabby until you get one!"

                              "Thank you" says the Arab, politely deciding not to say anything about the salesman's overbearing sales patter or extortionate prices, before he starts in the direction of the restaurant.

                              A few hours later the tie salesman is packing up his wares for the day when the Arab returns, crawling, on his hands and knees and clutching his parched throat from his desperate thirst.

                              "Ah, hello again!" says the tie salesman. "Did you find the restaurant?"

                              "Yes" said the Arab "but your fucking brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

                              Take the dive...

                              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • KasiK
                                Kasi
                                見習いボス
                                Joined:

                                A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

                                'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
                                The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
                                She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

                                The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
                                Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

                                The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
                                'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

                                The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
                                'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

                                He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

                                The world's insane
                                While you drink champagne
                                And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • GilesG
                                  Giles
                                  IHUK Crew
                                  Joined:

                                  hahahahahaha

                                  "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • EdHE
                                    EdH
                                    Iron Heart Deity
                                    Joined:

                                    Good one @Kasi!

                                    Take the dive...

                                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • mclaincauseyM
                                      mclaincausey
                                      見習いボス
                                      Joined:

                                      What do you call cattle satisfying itself?

                                      (In my defense, no one said it had to be a funny joke)

                                      Think it, be it.

                                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • J
                                        Jett129
                                        見習いボス
                                        Joined:

                                        C’mon,Nobody…Beef Strokin Off.  How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?  Ten Tickles!

                                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • SeulS
                                          Seul
                                          Joined:

                                          These are really bad… "There was a fire at the circus yesterday - it was in tense" kinda bad...

                                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                          • J
                                            Jett129
                                            見習いボス
                                            Joined:

                                            Dude,It gets worse-Why did the Banana take medicine?…It wasn’t peeling well!

                                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                            • First post
                                              Last post
                                            Copyright Iron Heart 2022.