That's Jokes
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A blind man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
While the barman is pouring the beer, the blind man says "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar goes silent. The woman sat on the stool besides the blind guy taps him on the shoulder and says:
"Listen, I can see you're blind, so I just want to warn you…
"the barman you're talking to, is blonde...
"the owner of this place is sat over there, and he's blonde...
"the bouncer is about 6 foot five tall and looks like he's made of nothing but muscle... and he's blonde...
"there's a mean looking biker sat at the other end of the bar who's now eyeballing you and looks ready to blow his top... and he's blonde...
"and I'm 6 foot tall myself and a black belt in karate, and I'm also blonde...
"so are you sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a second and says "Well, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times, no." -
A boss is interviewing for a management position at his firm. The candidates come from diverse fields: he is interviewing a journalist, a social worker, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant for the role.
He devises that he will test their responses to a simple question: What is 2+2?
First in comes the journalist. At the end of the interview, he asks "what is 2+2?"
"twenty two" comes the reply.At the end of the next interview, he asks the social worker the same thing.
"I don't know, but I am delighted we were able to have this discussion" comes a far too rote response.Next the engineer, who takes out a slide rule and then proclaims "somewhere between 3.99 and 4.01 should be fine".
The lawyer asserts: "The case of Henneley -v- HM Revenue & Customs held by a majority of three to two that the answer is four."
Finally, it is the accountant's turn. On hearing the question, the accountant stands up, goes to the door, checks that there is no one in the corridor, shuts the door, returns to his seat and whispers: "How much do you want it to be?". He was hired on the spot.
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A guy gets stranded on a desert island with Jennifer Lawrence.
Time passes, and they're getting on, and eventually the guy works up the courage to ask if she doesn't mind making their relationship physical.
J-Law appreciates that they both have needs, and he's a nice guy, so she agrees, and they start having sex casually.
Things are going well when, one day, the man sheepishly asks J-Law if he can make a strange request.
"Can I borrow your eye-liner?" he asks. She agrees and hands it over.
"Do you mind if I draw a moustache on you?" he asks. J-Law feels a little put out, but agrees, and he draws a big, bushy moustache on her face.
The guy goes on: "Could you pull your hair back, and put on my clothes?" he asks. Jenny is starting to feel uncomfortable, but he hasn't asked her to do anything any actor wouldn't do yet, so she agrees to this too.
Once she is dressed, he continues: "Do you mind if I call you Phil?"
J-Law thinks she's worked out what the guy's problem is now, and she is sympathetic to his needs, so she agrees: "Yes, you can call me Phil."
The guy suddenly rushes up to her and grabs her by the shoulders, yelling "Phil, you will not believe who I'm fucking!" -
This is not a political post, so FFS don't get your knickers in a twist, but I found it hilarious.
From one of the Quora feeds I follow:
Would Russian nuclear weapons actually work?
Tritium is one of the most expensive, commercially available substances on earth. Currently, it trades for around $30K USD per gram. Why? You need a breeder reactor to make it.
The odds that the officers in charge of the Russian strategic rocket forces did not sell off the tritium to the highest bidder and buy new dachas for their mistresses in Sochi the very second it was delivered to their unit is zero.
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I was on an Eastern Airlines flight a long time ago from Raleigh Durham to La Guardia with Don Rickels. He signed my ticket. I still have it.
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Can you imagine if someone did a routine like this today.
If you want to see something which would never be made today, go look for an old 2003-2005 animated sketch show called Monkey Dust that the BBC used to make. More black-humour and satire than offensive, but there is no way today's BBC would commission anything like it. The jokes range from the pompous middle-class diners who secretly want nothing more than to screw one anothers' partners, to the National Health Service re-branding cancer as an alternative end-of-life-choice to save money. The only way to watch it now are YouTube clips, second hand DVDs of season 1, or illegal streaming sites. Other than a brief mention on its website, the BBC has disowned it entirely. Here's a sample:
Or Chris Morris' old sketch show Jam. Full episodes are on YT, and that thing was doing dank memes before dank memes were a thing. One of the least dark sketches is the guy who jumps from the first floor of a building 40 times rather than off the top once, in case he changed his mind, and it's all downhill from there. Episode 1:
Highly recommend both.
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being married isn't that stressful at all
Stephan, 27 years old
