That's Jokes
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@Giles made me laugh.
“What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? Damn!” -
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years….
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond . Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'Some old men can still think fast.
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Maybe he's not wearing pants?
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Paul and his wife were sitting out on the patio one Sunday morning, when Paul suddenly blurted out, "If I die first, I want you to promise that you'll sell all my stuff immediately."
"Now why in the world would you want me to do something like that?" his wife asked.
"Got to thinking about, and thought that if you remarry, I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
His wife looked at him and said, "You have nothing to worry about sweetheart, there's no way I'm going to marry another asshole."
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I was checking out of the motel in Brawley 2 days ago with my buddy Lenny. We were walking to the office to turn in our keys and get receipts. I spotted this lady with a black lab that was going apeshit because I was talking cutesy to it… she said I could pet the dog and I was for a while.
Then her husband came out of their room and said, "hey, did you remember to grab my ankle bracelet!?"
I looked at Lenny and we both laughed out loud, and I laughed a lot more. Understandably, the woman was highly upset we were laughing. But the more I felt like I shouldn't laugh I laughed even more.
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A man enters the doctors office asking the doctor what he can do to make sure he lives as long as possible.
The doctor agrees and starts off with: No smoking.
The man eagerly reacts that he hasn’t even touched a cigarette in his life."Not too much alcohol", the doctor continues.
"Never even had a sip in my life doctor, I will never let it enter my body, no sir."
Ok then, the doc says and continues with: “be careful with fatty foods and red meat.”
The man gets all wound up and explains he has been vegan most his life and eating animals is murder.The doctor scratches his head, thinks for a second and finally says: "you know, changing sexual partners to often can have a negative effect on your life expectancy."
And yet again, the man tells the doctor that he has never been in any form of a sexual relationship, its better this way, he says, other people just hold me back.
The doctor takes of his glasses, and tells the man he should life a long and healthy life if he continues down his current path. However, he says: “just before you go, can I ask you something?”
"Yes doctor", the man replies.
The doc sais: “Why in the world would you want to live so long?”
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…sent this picture to a friend of mine.
…almost immediately he sent back 'war pigs'.
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Oh, man. That's good, @Giles.
