That's Jokes
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This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Scotland. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Hamilton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
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^ classic…
While on a sporting theme, I quite like the story about the time Liverpool were due to play Man Utd, the whole LFC team were ill (COVID?), and only Mané was fit. He offered to go out on his own, one man against 11.
The lads all followed along on the telly and lo and behold, 20 minutes in, Mané scored giving the The Redmen a 1-0 home lead. At half time they all turned off the telly and got some sleep, thinking the job was done.
However, at full time the result was 1-1. Hendo the team captain, mildly annoyed, phoned Mané to find out what had happened.
Some what sheepishly, Mané explained, “Sorry skipper, I got sent off after 60mins,”.
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A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.
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A woman goes into a tackle shop to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just takes a mid priced one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there wearing dark glasses.
She says, excuse me. I'm looking for a gift for my 10 year old grandson and wonder whether this would be a good buy as his first rod/reel.
He says Madam, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, that's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg test line. It's a good all around combination, ideal for a first rod / reel and your in luck as it's on sale this week for only $43.99.
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it." As she opens her purse, she doesn't notice as her Visa card drops on the floor. Oh it sounds like you've dropped your credit card, says the salesman and it sounds to me like a Visa.
Amazed by the acuity of his hearing she bends down to pick up the card and in doing so accidently farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was her who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.48 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, Didn't you just tell me it was on sale for $43.99? How did it suddenly become $58.50?
The salesman replies, The duck caller is $10.99 and the fish bait is $3.50.
I thought this sounded familiar @Jett129
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The Story of how an angel ended up on top of the Christmas Tree.
This year, Santa was busy getting toys ready in his workshop, when the elves decided to go on strike.
Mrs. Claus came down with the flu and couldn't help.
Rudolph had all the reindeer galivanting all over the north pole.
Santa was desperately running late when there was a knock on his door. He opened it to see an angel standing there with a Christmas tree, stating, Merry Christmas Santa, I brought you your tree, what would you like me to do with it???
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@Giles made me laugh.
“What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? Damn!” -
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years….
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond . Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'Some old men can still think fast.
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Maybe he's not wearing pants?
