That's Jokes
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I'm going to try and do this one justice. It may well be a "you had to be there", so may fall flat...
Last night we were out to dinner with one of our favourite couples. Mark the husband is one of the world's funniest and most eccentric people I know. He's also been married a few times....The first time, about 50 years ago to a lady a lot older than him...
Mark - Funny thing happened last week.
G - Yes?
Mark - We were sitting at the kitchen table and this strange bloke turns up at the window. He announces that he is my long lost step-son, from my first marriage
Giles - How did you know it was not one of yours?
@Madame-Buttonfly (quick as a flash) - Because he was older than MarkBrilliant
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@Giles Thats pretty funny. Is this the Mark I know?
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@Jett129 I hate myself for laughing, but his Prison performance story is one of the best joke/anecdotes I’ve ever heard.
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Yeah my first time seeing him was on Bobby Lee’s podcast Tigerbelly, and I found him surly and unsympathetic. Luckily algorithms caused him to keep popping up and later I started to get him. He’s really good. I felt the same way about Stuart Lee. Someone persuaded me to watch him after I’d made my mind up I didn’t like him. I watched and after a time realised how good he was. Neither pander to the audience thought Stuart Lee can take way longer. They’re very different, but similar in that respect. Apologies if you already know Stuart Lee.
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I’ve never come across Stuart Lee,but will definitely be on the lookout for him. I once saw Bobby Lee on a Podcast and the host asks him is there any one comedian you have to see any time he gets up? And without hesitation he says Jeselnick. Not sure if you ever heard the story of him being hired to do a Rabbi’s lunch kind of event,and he does the joke about his mother being a holocaust denier. I can’t imagine that the thought of being canceled ever crosses his mind,and I,for one,hope it never does!
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A woman goes to the doctor, concerned about her husband's wild temper. She explains that he flies into mad rages every day, and she is becoming scared.
The doctor says "the cure is simple - whenever your husband becomes angry, take a glass of water, fill your mouth with a large sip, and swill the water around your teeth until your husband either calms down or leaves the room. Only then can you swallow the water." The woman leaves with this advice, and a follow up appointment to see the doctor again a week later to see how things are going.
A week later the woman comes back. "It's amazing doctor" she says. "I did what you suggested and every time my husband became angry, I would take a large swig of water and swish it around my teeth. It works every time, and my husband calms down very quickly now. But how on earth does this cure work?"
"As I suspected" said the doctor "the trick was finding something to keep your mouth shut."
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Man is driving down the road alongside some English orchards when he sees a sign saying "Apples, £5 each, next left".
"£5 each for an apple!" the guy thinks to himself! "That's crazy, I've got to see what makes them so special." So he pulls into the farm, and finds the farmer sat on his porch with three baskets of fresh, red apples next to him. "What's the deal with these £5 apples?" he asks. "For those prices, they'd better be something special."
"They are" asserts the farmer. "The apples taste of peanut butter and jelly."
"I don't believe you, but I'm curious enough to give one a try" says our guy. And they agree that if the apple doesn't taste of peanut butter and jelly, he'll get his £5 back. The deal is struck, the farmer takes an apple from the basket nearest him, and hands it over. On his first bite, the guy is overwhelmed with the nutty, earthy taste of pure peanut butter. "That's amazing" he says, "but I'm not getting any jelly. Give me back my fiver."
"Try the other side" says the farmer. And sure enough, upon biting the other side, the guy can taste a sweet strawberry jam.
"That's pretty amazing" says the guy. "You got anything else?"
"Well, these apples" says the farmer, gesturing at the second basket "taste of ham and cheese. But they're £10 each, as it's twice as hard to get those savoury flavours into them".
The guy is game to try these too, so the same deal is struck, if the apples from the second basket don't taste of ham and cheese, then he'll get his tenner back. Upon biting the second apple, the guy is immediately struck by the taste of a sharp, mature cheddar cheese. "Other side for the ham?" he asks, and the farmer nods. Sure enough, on the other side of the apple is the meaty, slightly sweet taste of a well aged honey roast ham.
The guy starts eying the third basket. "And those?" he asks...
"They're £50 each" says the farmer.
"Fifty quid!" shouts the guy. "For that money, they'd better taste of pussy!"
"Well, as a matter of fact..." says the farmer, blushing slightly "they do!" So they strike the same deal, and the guy hands over £50 for a apple from the third basket.
The guy takes a bite and immediately starts gagging and retching. "That tastes like shit!" he yells.
"Sorry" says the farmer. "Try the other side."
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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking alongside a lake on a hot summer's day with the sun beating down on them. They decide to cool off in the lake, but as neither thought to bring a bathing suit, they go skinny dipping. After a refreshing swim, they come back to the beach to discover that their robes have been taken.
They set off looking for their missing clothing when they come across a group of people camping out on the lakeside. The Priest covers his manhood with his hands, while the Rabbi covers his face. Unfortunately, the campers do not know where their clothes have gone, so they depart to continue their search.
As they are walking away the Priest says "Brother, why didn't you cover your modesty, like me?"
"I don't know how you Christians do it" he replies "but my community recognises me by my face!"
