That's Jokes
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift…The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started......
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since.""My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversaryShe said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in
about 3 seconds."So I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back laterThe woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair..
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security applicationWhen I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
to the tron's, a billion more years of bliss & great fits
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Outstanding, thanks for sharing
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most are taken from my daily life; they are not that funny when i'm in the middle of it
just f^ckin' with the lot of yous, but yeah my daily life is like an episode of Larry David in the hood
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This is the last joke Geo told me.
So, after they had been going out together for a few weeks, the girl plucked up the courage to ask her man how many women he had slept with.
"Oh honey, I don't think I want to tell you that"
"Oh go on, we're in love and I won't be jealous"
"Oh, OK then. Let me think; One, Two, Three, Four, Five, You, Seven, Eight…......." -
classic Geo
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What do you call a cowboy with no legs?
A low down dirty bum
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damn shame really.
hope your bum is better . . . HAhehehehAhe
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damn shame really.
hope your bum is better . . . HAhehehehAhe
i see, this is the actual joke… hahahah
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Just bought tickets to Artie Lange next month at Caroline's. Looking to possibly go on Sunday as well. If anyone is a fan and lives in or around NYC, PM me and we will roll.
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sup Seul? ;D…
@Geo:
It's great how Seul has totally given us all some great fun with him wearing skirts and all - so we should be grateful he's with us at all after recovering from some serious injuries . . .
It all happened a while back when I had said to him I had made quite a bit of money selling bear skins
He said to me "isn't it a bit dangerous going after the bears?"
I said "no, not really - you just hunt in the winter when they are hibernating"
"what do you mean?" he said
"well, you just follow the tracks into the cave where they're sleeping . . . and bang, no problem"
"sounds good" said Seul "plus I need some more IH gear - think I'll give it a try"
I heard nothing of him for a few months, then I heard he'd just got out of hospital after being bandaged and plastered from head to toe
I said "what the hell happened to you?"
He said "well I did what you said . . . followed the tracks into a big dark cave . . . but I've still no idea where that train came from . . ."
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Barack Obama and Tonto went camping in the desert. After
they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto woke the president and said, "Kemo
bro, look towards sky, what you see?"Obama replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
Obama pondered for a minute then said, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me
that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, Mother Nature is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"Tonto says, "Obama, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means
somebody stole the tent."
