+ SEUL'S WRITING TOPIC - MAINLY FOR GETTING ADVICE CAUSE HE'S AN INEPT TOOL +
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FOR FANS OF DARK HUMOUR, NON PC (BUT ALWAYS LOVING, CARING, TRUTHFUL) STUFF.
As some of you might remember from way back, I used to write quite a lot… Just typical angsty teenage nonsense... I never wised up but did realise I'd never becom the new Hemingway... Not just because I am too funny for that, but also too pretentious.........
No, seriously: ITT thread it will be mainly be me asking Our Glorious Moderator, the one and only nephy93, about English phrasage (boom) and advice. I've chosen to write in English so that makes it slightly more easy for him... Just kinda need an outlet for this summer (at least)... My idea is to mix Baxter (Glen), Tom Sharpe and Céline. As you can tell I'm not overtly ambitious.
I'm up for any and all comments but know I do NOT think I'm any good... Also my keyboard is a bit of a shitbird so no comments on typos please, only mistakes in grammar and shit...
Mood: - my room smells like two bars had sex in it
Ok so this is the first thing I wrote at 3am… It took me about 4 minutes... And several days of hard drinking...
Much love.
The Belgian Shitbird.
Says he
- yeah so doc: aren't you glad my heart's strong enough to save this monkey
- dunno mate, you're not supposed to be alive
He's not alive. Who is. Who cares.
The war has taken the best of men, not the worst, unfortunately.
He'd fallen face down on the ground. On the parking lot. Drunk. Blood everywhere. We picked him up and tried to help him but he just brushed us off, swinging at us, swatting at us as if we were big flies… Maybe we are...
He has a prosthetic leg now... Very Terminator-y... I dunno. Fucking makes you think.I need a shit the size of a hippo but there's just no time, mate.
She lost a child to social services because she was an unreliable, uncabable alcie... I heard the kid was born with withdrawal symptoms which I can't verify cause I only fucked it when it was four days old.
And I had a drink.
Things people do to kids.
He had a big moustache and reeked of piss but I never wanted him to drown.
He did anyway.
She had dirty fingernails but the way she pressed her hand on her shoulders, in a vain attempt to cover her chest, was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He kissed her hands thrice a day until he was eaten by a lion.
I'm not even making this up.
He said.
The doctor didn't agree.
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I like it! Looking forward to reading more.
The only editorial note I have is that It feels more natural to say “face-down IN the parking lot”. You can use face-down ON the pavement, but the parking lot is the place you’re in, not the surface you’re on.
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I like it! Looking forward to reading more.
The only editorial note I have is that It feels more natural to say “face-down IN the parking lot”. You can use face-down ON the pavement, but the parking lot is the place you’re in, not the surface you’re on.
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Agreed. Prepositions are a swine for non-native speakers (and some native speakers [emoji1]).
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Thank you, thank you ever so much. Alcie's a keeper though… It's me second language and somehow it feels more natural...
More dribble... Main goal still is to move to Ireland soon, so I need this exercise!.. (IHxIreland: you hiring?..)
George never was a great speaker. Throat cancer saw to that.
Mark didn't understand Baudelaire. Or Verlaine, for that matter. The most romantic thing he'd ever done was suck off Terry at a picnic. Just then he realised he'd forgotten the strawberry jam. Oh how Mark loved the stuff! They made fun of his rather legendary appetite for jam at family parties… And there he was... With a throat full of cock and a soon to be dry piece of croissant.
Swings and roundabouts.
Martha never grew old. She died.
The doctor realised he hadn't quite succeeded in putting Susan under, as she was strangling him with one hand, calling him a liar and an incompetent fool, whilst reaching for anything that would, hopefully more succesfully, give him a tracheostomy, through which she'd feed him hornets... Who needs doctors. They're a dime a dozen, she thought, just before everything went black.
And then woke up with just the one arm.
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You going for English English or American English? I ask because "whilst" and "tracheostomy" are much more common for UK English. Americans would generally use "while" and "tracheotomy".
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I don't understand, if his throat is full of cock and crosisant, how can the croissant suddenly get dry?
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I don't understand, if his throat is full of cock and crosisant, how can the croissant suddenly get dry?
Cause croissants don't come pre-cummed on.
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"Alchie" reads more like what I think you're saying here than either other spelling IMO.
Have you tried cinnamon rolls?
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Cause croissants don't come pre-cummed on.
I expect that depends on where you’re getting your croissants.
Do you know a place? ???
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Some bad bad bad lines here that don't get the rhytm but I have no ego (except for my huge ego) so just go so just go go go look at my ego and and and looks over this won't you sweet 'tings do me this favour then…
(PS: all English in 'ere is very UK except for "yinz" which is my fav Southern US word next to POP...)There's less air than liquor here. There's less need for air than liquor 'ere.
We are alive, sometimes it's all you got,
out and about, folk out loud or purposely not..
We are all sun and carbon, warmth, hate, love, soulful cloud dat!…
Cat's out there look!
SHOOK.
You's scared she'd fall three down haha she never will she never won't...
Meanwhile we'll die of cancer or misinterpreting the weather.
Miserable bastards us cunts.There's folk here... Good folk bad folk yinz who care
folk who don't folk in all colourz
folk white folk brown folk black folk yella
YELLA?
Shit sorry her liver's giving out I ain't even trying to be woke, folk.
Talk.... There's folk here... They'se a ruckus or ain''t... Daily lives – always there -
And the cats don't love 'm... I get cats better than men. Cats shy from everyone – it's good advice.There's weather here. And drinks. There's always weather Heather innit bin it there's always drinks stinks bin it. Finnit. Yeah you got that'un. Good. Finish it.
We need God as little as he needs us.
We need goodness as little s'we deserve it.
We could do better as us should. But we don't so we don't deserve it. Serve it. Couldn't dish a colder platter even if you freezed it.
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Sorry I'm in a bad way… Yinz needa deal... I think this is better?..
There's less air than liquor here.
Lesser liquor as air is 'ere.
is
Lesser need for the blesser
is
then
As us never forgave
just gave and GAVE
Might 've dug us own grave.BLESS.
Us
Mostly dead, beat; sometimes it's all you got,
out and 'bout, folk living loud or purposely not
Yinz all sun and carbon, warmth and love
ever glowful moon datSHIT!
Cat's out there look!
SHOOK!
You's scared she'd fall three down
haha she never will she never won't…
Meanwhile us is dying til we can't or don't
Miserable lot us cunt
Best gi's another litter of them cute runt.THEN.
There's folk here...
Good folk bad folk yinz who care
Folk them joke
folk who's felt
folk who scare
folk who don't
folks them won't
more colourz
'Benetton adTALK.
Some's a ruckus but I won't
Daily fight – even cats tire
I get them better than men.
They shy from all us folk –
instinct which I admire.There's weather here..
There's weather here.
It gets repetitive.REPEAT.
There's always weather Heather innit bin it
there's always drinks '
'n drinks
'n tinks 'n finks
but
Bin it. Finnit.
Yeah you got that'un.FINISH.
We need God as little as he needs us.
Fuss.We could do better as us should. But we don't so we DESERVE.
.
Swerve.Couldn't dish a plate colder if a Kardashian served it.
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Don't even read this. 4.28 am and I don't even know if I'm alive.
How life begins! At 7am it bursts open like a festering wound!
Cars! Voices! Families! Look at that young pigeon skyrocketing!.. Bloody Nasa that thing!.. And me looking at it with bloodshot eyes.
It is what it is. Always. As I say to myself and thus know.That fucking pigeon has more direction than me. And is a damn lot more smarter as is I.7am! The howls! The cries! The moans! As if everything's born again! Everyone's conceiving! Birth of mind sun planets universe – and a shitload of pigeons. Can't even hold on to those. They're smarter than I am - at 7am they scatter.
The world! It awakens! Again! It's never been gone, some know some don't… It just takes one look... But alas! We live on a planet of the blind! Never a blink, just an exhausted weary sigh. Not even a one eyed king just a fool. And we all seem to take after 'im. Except for the pigeons.
The uproar!.. It shatters my world! Silence, darkness! Slumber! Fantasies by the millions! A life I'll never have! Rain? Please, please lord I'm not a religious man but can you please put on my favourite soundtrack!.. Wake the worms hell wake me up... And trap me once more into this godfall of a day starting.
Once more. One last goddamn time.
