That's Jokes
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A zoophile, a sadist, a serial killer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting on a park bench when a stray cat walks by…
"Let's have sex with it"" the zoophile suggests.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs!" suggests the sadist.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it! says the serial killer.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it, then have sex with it again!" proposes the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it!" counters the pyromaniac.
They all turn to the masochist who says "meow". -
A man wanders into a pub and asks for a pint of beer.
"£1" says the barman.
"What? £1??" says the man. "That's crazy, it's been decades since pints were that cheap… Tell me, do you do food too?"
"We do" says the barman.
"Well how much is a steak with chips and all the trimmings?"
"A fiver" says the barman.
"Holy hell" says the man. "Is it any good for a fiver?"
"Yes" says the barman. "It's a 12oz 28 day aged Wagyu T-Bone."
"Amazing, I'll have one" says the man. "But you must introduce me to the owner, I really want to thank him for keeping his prices so low in this economy especially".
"Owner's upstairs right now in the office with my wife" says the barman, pouring the pint.
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.
"Same thing I'm doing to his pub..." -
One for @Giles…
The guys get together to plan their fishing trip that weekend. But Bob says he can't go, as his wife has forbade him. After some gentle mocking from the others, Bob finishes his drink and heads for home looking somewhat despondent.
When the others get to the lake that weekend, they are surprised to see Bob has already set up camp, and is reclining in his seat with a beer, his fishing poles already cast, waiting for a bite.
When they express their surprise at seeing him, Bob explains: "The Mrs surprised me by putting on a transparent negligee, and told me to take her upstairs, tie her up, and do whatever I wanted... so here I am!"
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@EdH Similar joke…Four guys on a fishing trip first one says man I had to clean out the garage to come on this trip,second guy says I had to paint the kitchen to go on this trip,third guy says me too I had trim all the hedges. Last guy is sitting there real quiet. They say what about you? He says…The alarm went off this morning 2:30,I turned to my wife and said fishing or sex?…She said take a sweater you’ll be cold!
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@Jett129 not a joke, but a funny anecdote:
My mother and I stayed up late to watch Brokeback Mountain together a few years back, around the time it first came to TV. My dad missed the movie but wakes up early the next day to go play golf. He comes back from golf later and asks her “what the hell were you asking me about fishing earlier?” We eventually realised that my mother, half asleep, must’ve been dreaming about the plot of the film - you’ll remember that the two cowboys in the film would tell their wives they were going fishing whenever they got together to do anything but* - and was accusing my dad of sneaking off early to go have sex with his golf buddies!
*unintentional pun
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Two women are walking home after a girls' night out. They both need to pee, so they sneak into a local cemetery.
The first one pees, but not having any toilet paper, uses her knickers to dry herself and then tosses them.
The second one finds a ribbon attached to a wreath on a nearby headstone, and uses that instead.
Their husbands get together the next day for a round of golf.
"Remember the girls went out last night? Well mine came home without any panties!"
"That's nothing" says the second guy. "Mine came home with a ribbon between her buttcheeks and a card that said 'From everyone at the Fire Station, we will never forget you'!"
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A guy is walking on the beach when he finds an old washed up bottle. He picks it up and starts rubbing the collected grime off of it so as to inspect it more closely, when a genie pops out!
"I am a genie, and I grant one wish to those that release me from my bottle. What can I do for you?"
The guy says he'll think on it, and wanders home. He ponders the question for a week.
He rubs the bottle again at the end of the week, ready to make his wish.
"I've been thinking carefully, and reading. I want to do something responsible with my wish" he explains, taking a map off of his shelf. "I notice how much turmoil, destruction and death is caused by political and religious disagreements in the Middle East. The world would be much better if they could put their differences aside. So that's my wish, for peace in the Middle East."
"Hoooo boy, you're one of those." says the genie. "Look, what you're asking for is complicated… you're basically asking me to ride roughshod over centuries of grievances, re-write history, and mess with all whose powerful forces which govern human action such as free will. The timeline, free will... Really big, cosmic powers at play there. There's no telling what the unforseen consequences could be. 'Sort of thing that a lowly genie like me, let alone a mortal like you, should really not be messing with. Pick something else."
"Ok, well there was something else I've been thinking about. I could be a better husband, but sometimes I just don't understand my wife. So I wish to be able to understand her better... what does it mean when she is silent? When she cries but can't tell me why? What does she want when she says she wants "nothing"? That sort of thing."
The genie says: "Hand me that map again..."
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A blind man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
While the barman is pouring the beer, the blind man says "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar goes silent. The woman sat on the stool besides the blind guy taps him on the shoulder and says:
"Listen, I can see you're blind, so I just want to warn you…
"the barman you're talking to, is blonde...
"the owner of this place is sat over there, and he's blonde...
"the bouncer is about 6 foot five tall and looks like he's made of nothing but muscle... and he's blonde...
"there's a mean looking biker sat at the other end of the bar who's now eyeballing you and looks ready to blow his top... and he's blonde...
"and I'm 6 foot tall myself and a black belt in karate, and I'm also blonde...
"so are you sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a second and says "Well, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times, no." -
A boss is interviewing for a management position at his firm. The candidates come from diverse fields: he is interviewing a journalist, a social worker, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant for the role.
He devises that he will test their responses to a simple question: What is 2+2?
First in comes the journalist. At the end of the interview, he asks "what is 2+2?"
"twenty two" comes the reply.At the end of the next interview, he asks the social worker the same thing.
"I don't know, but I am delighted we were able to have this discussion" comes a far too rote response.Next the engineer, who takes out a slide rule and then proclaims "somewhere between 3.99 and 4.01 should be fine".
The lawyer asserts: "The case of Henneley -v- HM Revenue & Customs held by a majority of three to two that the answer is four."
Finally, it is the accountant's turn. On hearing the question, the accountant stands up, goes to the door, checks that there is no one in the corridor, shuts the door, returns to his seat and whispers: "How much do you want it to be?". He was hired on the spot.
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A guy gets stranded on a desert island with Jennifer Lawrence.
Time passes, and they're getting on, and eventually the guy works up the courage to ask if she doesn't mind making their relationship physical.
J-Law appreciates that they both have needs, and he's a nice guy, so she agrees, and they start having sex casually.
Things are going well when, one day, the man sheepishly asks J-Law if he can make a strange request.
"Can I borrow your eye-liner?" he asks. She agrees and hands it over.
"Do you mind if I draw a moustache on you?" he asks. J-Law feels a little put out, but agrees, and he draws a big, bushy moustache on her face.
The guy goes on: "Could you pull your hair back, and put on my clothes?" he asks. Jenny is starting to feel uncomfortable, but he hasn't asked her to do anything any actor wouldn't do yet, so she agrees to this too.
Once she is dressed, he continues: "Do you mind if I call you Phil?"
J-Law thinks she's worked out what the guy's problem is now, and she is sympathetic to his needs, so she agrees: "Yes, you can call me Phil."
The guy suddenly rushes up to her and grabs her by the shoulders, yelling "Phil, you will not believe who I'm fucking!"
