That's Jokes
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Two older guys sitting on their front porch one afternoon with they're dog spike. The guys drinking beers, watching the cars go by when spike sitting there spreads his legs and starts licking and cleaning himself down below.
The one guy says you know I wish I could do that.
The other guy says, you know the dog bites.
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A man is hunting in the woods when he comes across a great big grizzly bear. He takes aim with his rifle, pulls the trigger, the gun fires, but after the smoke clears, the bear is nowhere to be seen.
To the man's surprise, he gets tapped on the shoulder. There stands the bear, far too close for his rifle to be of any use.
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it" says the bear. "I'll give you two choices, either I will maul you to death here and now, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and let me give you a good seeing to."
The man doesn't want to die, so he chooses option 2, and dutifully bends over while the bear has its way with him, before it leaves him whimpering.
Sore from this humiliation (not to mention the ursine sodomy) the man heads back into town, goes to the gun store, and buys a rifle with the highest gauge rounds available. "I'll show that bear" he vows.
He heads back into the woods and lies in wait where he found the bear the last time. Sure enough, the bear happens by. The man takes aim, fires this massive gun, but when the smoke clears the bear is nowhere to be seen.
Then the man feels a familiar tap on the shoulder. "You know what to do" says the bear. And the man drops his trousers and lets the bear have its way with him again.
This time, the man goes back to the gun store and buys a bazooka. "I'm done being fucked around by this bear" he says to himself.
He goes back to the same spot, and waits for the bear. When it shows up, he stands, takes aim, fires at the bear, and the force of the weapon knocks him on his ass. When he sits up, the bear is stood beside him, looking down at him.
"You're not in this for the hunting anymore, are you?" the bear asks.
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A zoophile, a sadist, a serial killer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting on a park bench when a stray cat walks by…
"Let's have sex with it"" the zoophile suggests.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs!" suggests the sadist.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it! says the serial killer.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it, then have sex with it again!" proposes the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it!" counters the pyromaniac.
They all turn to the masochist who says "meow". -
A man wanders into a pub and asks for a pint of beer.
"£1" says the barman.
"What? £1??" says the man. "That's crazy, it's been decades since pints were that cheap… Tell me, do you do food too?"
"We do" says the barman.
"Well how much is a steak with chips and all the trimmings?"
"A fiver" says the barman.
"Holy hell" says the man. "Is it any good for a fiver?"
"Yes" says the barman. "It's a 12oz 28 day aged Wagyu T-Bone."
"Amazing, I'll have one" says the man. "But you must introduce me to the owner, I really want to thank him for keeping his prices so low in this economy especially".
"Owner's upstairs right now in the office with my wife" says the barman, pouring the pint.
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.
"Same thing I'm doing to his pub..." -
One for @Giles…
The guys get together to plan their fishing trip that weekend. But Bob says he can't go, as his wife has forbade him. After some gentle mocking from the others, Bob finishes his drink and heads for home looking somewhat despondent.
When the others get to the lake that weekend, they are surprised to see Bob has already set up camp, and is reclining in his seat with a beer, his fishing poles already cast, waiting for a bite.
When they express their surprise at seeing him, Bob explains: "The Mrs surprised me by putting on a transparent negligee, and told me to take her upstairs, tie her up, and do whatever I wanted... so here I am!"
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@EdH Similar joke…Four guys on a fishing trip first one says man I had to clean out the garage to come on this trip,second guy says I had to paint the kitchen to go on this trip,third guy says me too I had trim all the hedges. Last guy is sitting there real quiet. They say what about you? He says…The alarm went off this morning 2:30,I turned to my wife and said fishing or sex?…She said take a sweater you’ll be cold!
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@Jett129 not a joke, but a funny anecdote:
My mother and I stayed up late to watch Brokeback Mountain together a few years back, around the time it first came to TV. My dad missed the movie but wakes up early the next day to go play golf. He comes back from golf later and asks her “what the hell were you asking me about fishing earlier?” We eventually realised that my mother, half asleep, must’ve been dreaming about the plot of the film - you’ll remember that the two cowboys in the film would tell their wives they were going fishing whenever they got together to do anything but* - and was accusing my dad of sneaking off early to go have sex with his golf buddies!
*unintentional pun
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Two women are walking home after a girls' night out. They both need to pee, so they sneak into a local cemetery.
The first one pees, but not having any toilet paper, uses her knickers to dry herself and then tosses them.
The second one finds a ribbon attached to a wreath on a nearby headstone, and uses that instead.
Their husbands get together the next day for a round of golf.
"Remember the girls went out last night? Well mine came home without any panties!"
"That's nothing" says the second guy. "Mine came home with a ribbon between her buttcheeks and a card that said 'From everyone at the Fire Station, we will never forget you'!"
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A guy is walking on the beach when he finds an old washed up bottle. He picks it up and starts rubbing the collected grime off of it so as to inspect it more closely, when a genie pops out!
"I am a genie, and I grant one wish to those that release me from my bottle. What can I do for you?"
The guy says he'll think on it, and wanders home. He ponders the question for a week.
He rubs the bottle again at the end of the week, ready to make his wish.
"I've been thinking carefully, and reading. I want to do something responsible with my wish" he explains, taking a map off of his shelf. "I notice how much turmoil, destruction and death is caused by political and religious disagreements in the Middle East. The world would be much better if they could put their differences aside. So that's my wish, for peace in the Middle East."
"Hoooo boy, you're one of those." says the genie. "Look, what you're asking for is complicated… you're basically asking me to ride roughshod over centuries of grievances, re-write history, and mess with all whose powerful forces which govern human action such as free will. The timeline, free will... Really big, cosmic powers at play there. There's no telling what the unforseen consequences could be. 'Sort of thing that a lowly genie like me, let alone a mortal like you, should really not be messing with. Pick something else."
"Ok, well there was something else I've been thinking about. I could be a better husband, but sometimes I just don't understand my wife. So I wish to be able to understand her better... what does it mean when she is silent? When she cries but can't tell me why? What does she want when she says she wants "nothing"? That sort of thing."
The genie says: "Hand me that map again..."
