Random Rants
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Kinda long winded, and don’t know that I’m necessarily looking for advice but just need to vent…
My wife and I had our first child two weeks ago. It was not an easy road to get there, we’ve been trying for years and had two miscarriages. The second of which came heartbreakingly at ten weeks. But our baby is here, happy and healthy.
So we decided like many to do some professionally shot newborn photos. We’re very happy, baby is so adorable, and they will be nice mementos as she gets bigger. So we did. The photograph posted several of the photos to her business Facebook page, so my wife shared one of those to her personal page and tagged me. Nice comments all around.
Until her mom, my mother in law called last night. Not to say how cute baby looked, how happy she was for us, or anything nice/positive, but to tell my wife she (MiL) doesn’t understand why we got baby photos, why we wanted them, the headshot from the hospital is fine (not sure if that is something they used to do, but we definitely did not get a headshot from the hospital), and to tell wife that she thinks we’re trying to “upstage” her younger brother and his wife and baby.
By all accounts, her brother and sister in law have been very happy for and supportive of us through the whole thing, particularly the SiL. They had a non professional photographer friend do newborn photos with their baby, so I’m sure they weren’t as “good” as a professional would do, but that was their choice. Oh, and their baby is currently 6 years old and in first grade!
While I would have said something to the effect of “it’s good she’s not your baby then” and hung up on her, my wife seemed to handle this all with grace, but WTF? MiL wants to come meet baby and keeps guilt tripping my wife that we’ve been saying no so far, but she’s just going to get in the way and be more of a stress and a pain in the ass than a help.
Visit is set for the end of March. Not looking forward to it. If she starts in with any of this sh!t or how we’re not doing it right or not doing it how she would do it to my wife, her daughter who is already stressed enough and worried about everything with the two previous miscarriages, I’m going to be pissed... thinking a polite reminder once, a sarcastic word second, and then inviting her to leave our house if she doesn’t get the hint.
I knew having a child would bring out the crazy in people, and that we’d get all sorts of unsolicited advice and opinions, but did not expect it from a direct family member.
Can’t she just be happy for us? Argh! -
lol, welcome to the world of family politics x10.
Everyone will tell you their expert opinion on how to raise your own kids…
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Oh dear @neversummer… no fun, very frustrating, but as @organisys points out, pretty standard stuff.
In my experience there is only one way forward if you are going to avoid major drama and upsets: Your wife handles her family while you keep quiet, smile and wave. Then you support your wife in private. Listen to it all and let her take it out on you, and ask her what you need to do to help her.
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The best thing any couple can do is to accept that both families are nuts, just in different ways, and it's the two of you against all of them.
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Well, of course. Obviously. Goes without saying.
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@neversummer im so bud and I feel your pain. When my first child was born my parents were the guilty party who wouldn’t respect any of our wishes. My suggestion is to tell her exactly what you and your wife expect. and that if she can’t abide and adhere then she will lose the Privilege Of sewing your child. And congratulations brother
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I think it's safe to assume that all of us parents have experienced what you've experienced to some degree. You just have to roll with the punches and expect that grandparents at times will have their own expectations, right or wrong. At the end of the day it's your child and you get to decide what is right for your family. In the name of keeping the peace I would probably err on the side of caution and not ruffle any feathers. After all, these are your in-laws that you'll have to deal with for life, as well as potential babysitters that will help you out of a jam when you need it.
I was lucky in that my ex-wife's side of the family didn't push their own baggage onto us. The only resistence we experienced was when we had to name our child. I learned that it wasn't helpful to tell anyone what you decided on. It was always something like, "why would you choose that name?" or similar response. It all worked out in the end but you kinda learn this type of etiquette as you go along.
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The best thing any couple can do is to accept that both families are nuts, just in different ways…
Your wife handles her family…. Then you support your wife in private. Listen to it all and let her take it out on you, and ask her what you need to do to help her...
… and hopefully vice versa.
Congratulations to your family @neversummer
Keep calm. It’s a thrilling and beautiful journey! -
When I hear a scenario like this it always reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Billy Currington, People are crazy.
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Thanks all for reading, and for your kind words and advice. Glad to know I am not alone in this experience, and of course I want grandmom to be in baby’s life. My wife is also seeing a therapist for postpartum anxiety. I am not sure if she’s told her mom that or not. Maybe that would help bring down the levels of criticism.
I will do my best to support her and our child. It is going to be a fun journey! -
And most importantly @neversummer , best of luck on the birth of your child.
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We're lucky to have the opinions, wisdom, and experience of so many cool-headed gents to read around here…
I'm basically the exact opposite of all advice given, and I just told everyone to feck off, and that they can come back around my family only when they're ready to play by MY rules. It was a ballsy move to make at 19yrs old when the twins were born, but they got the message, and I haven't had issues since.
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Bit of a rant so here goes…
My son just finished week 2 of informal karate lessons last night, and by informal I mean that it's held in a gym once a week. Last night the instructor was going over blocking techniques with the kids and during the lesson he demonstrated a couple of possible outcomes, such as a throat grab, biting and even an ear grab. Of course, my ex-wife didn't like the violent nature of the lesson to which I just rolled my eyes. She decided in an email to me that because of this she would like our son to attend a different karate school. The only reason I chose this particular teacher was 1) he was listed on a flyer handout given to all the kids at my son's school 2) it's 45 minutes, once a week and 3) it's only $7 per class. I checked another karate dojo and they were more rigid in their instruction, meaning that children were required to attend at least 3-4 days per week and far more expensive. I'm not very concerned about the cost so much as I am about the attendance requirements. I think it would be too much while my boy is in school.
With that said, I think my ex is being unreasonable and has unrealistic expectations. I thought the teacher was doing what he's supposed to do and that is teach kids defensive means of fending off a possible attack. I don't know how other proper karate schools approach defensive techniques but my guess is that most of them will show stuff like throat grabs or whatever. I've grown tired of my ex-wife's pontificating on everything that involves our child. She always gives me the same argument, "I heard from other parents that they didn't like A, B or C and therefore i'm against whatever." She gave me the same response when I brought up the possibility of sending our son to summer school for a month.
At the end of the day i'm not going to force my son to attend these weekly karate classes. But, since we've only gone for 2 weeks i'd like for him to have a grasp of how to defend himself. I try to be diplomatic about these situations with the ex but things always seem to fall into the my way or the highway camp with her. Am I being unreasonable or is she?
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Maybe have a quiet word with the teacher to work out what his philosophy is for the classes he runs, subtly mention that the self defense aspects are of most interest, and see what the outcome is ?
Oh and of course point out to the ex that you make your own judgements which are not based on other's opinions…
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My son started Taekwando when he was 7,and the school had a semester charge and you were allowed to attend as much as you wanted. As he got older he went more often,eventually becoming a 3rd Degree black belt. Can’t say enough great things about the school he went to,which I think is really important. I also think it was really good for my son in terms of discipline and self esteem. I think at some point your son will really like it and may need/want more intensive training,or he’ll get bored and move onto something else.
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The takeaway for me is precisely what you've explained with your son's experience. My son will learn discipline, positive self-esteem, and respect. But the ex can't get over the violence part which seems self defeating when you're trying to get your child to learn self defense. This is a necessary aspect of any of the martial arts but she rejects it because it offends her sensibilities
