Random Rants
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Oh dear @neversummer… no fun, very frustrating, but as @organisys points out, pretty standard stuff.
In my experience there is only one way forward if you are going to avoid major drama and upsets: Your wife handles her family while you keep quiet, smile and wave. Then you support your wife in private. Listen to it all and let her take it out on you, and ask her what you need to do to help her.
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The best thing any couple can do is to accept that both families are nuts, just in different ways, and it's the two of you against all of them.
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Well, of course. Obviously. Goes without saying.
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@neversummer im so bud and I feel your pain. When my first child was born my parents were the guilty party who wouldn’t respect any of our wishes. My suggestion is to tell her exactly what you and your wife expect. and that if she can’t abide and adhere then she will lose the Privilege Of sewing your child. And congratulations brother
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I think it's safe to assume that all of us parents have experienced what you've experienced to some degree. You just have to roll with the punches and expect that grandparents at times will have their own expectations, right or wrong. At the end of the day it's your child and you get to decide what is right for your family. In the name of keeping the peace I would probably err on the side of caution and not ruffle any feathers. After all, these are your in-laws that you'll have to deal with for life, as well as potential babysitters that will help you out of a jam when you need it.
I was lucky in that my ex-wife's side of the family didn't push their own baggage onto us. The only resistence we experienced was when we had to name our child. I learned that it wasn't helpful to tell anyone what you decided on. It was always something like, "why would you choose that name?" or similar response. It all worked out in the end but you kinda learn this type of etiquette as you go along.
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The best thing any couple can do is to accept that both families are nuts, just in different ways…
Your wife handles her family…. Then you support your wife in private. Listen to it all and let her take it out on you, and ask her what you need to do to help her...
… and hopefully vice versa.
Congratulations to your family @neversummer
Keep calm. It’s a thrilling and beautiful journey! -
When I hear a scenario like this it always reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Billy Currington, People are crazy.
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Thanks all for reading, and for your kind words and advice. Glad to know I am not alone in this experience, and of course I want grandmom to be in baby’s life. My wife is also seeing a therapist for postpartum anxiety. I am not sure if she’s told her mom that or not. Maybe that would help bring down the levels of criticism.
I will do my best to support her and our child. It is going to be a fun journey! -
And most importantly @neversummer , best of luck on the birth of your child.
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We're lucky to have the opinions, wisdom, and experience of so many cool-headed gents to read around here…
I'm basically the exact opposite of all advice given, and I just told everyone to feck off, and that they can come back around my family only when they're ready to play by MY rules. It was a ballsy move to make at 19yrs old when the twins were born, but they got the message, and I haven't had issues since.
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Bit of a rant so here goes…
My son just finished week 2 of informal karate lessons last night, and by informal I mean that it's held in a gym once a week. Last night the instructor was going over blocking techniques with the kids and during the lesson he demonstrated a couple of possible outcomes, such as a throat grab, biting and even an ear grab. Of course, my ex-wife didn't like the violent nature of the lesson to which I just rolled my eyes. She decided in an email to me that because of this she would like our son to attend a different karate school. The only reason I chose this particular teacher was 1) he was listed on a flyer handout given to all the kids at my son's school 2) it's 45 minutes, once a week and 3) it's only $7 per class. I checked another karate dojo and they were more rigid in their instruction, meaning that children were required to attend at least 3-4 days per week and far more expensive. I'm not very concerned about the cost so much as I am about the attendance requirements. I think it would be too much while my boy is in school.
With that said, I think my ex is being unreasonable and has unrealistic expectations. I thought the teacher was doing what he's supposed to do and that is teach kids defensive means of fending off a possible attack. I don't know how other proper karate schools approach defensive techniques but my guess is that most of them will show stuff like throat grabs or whatever. I've grown tired of my ex-wife's pontificating on everything that involves our child. She always gives me the same argument, "I heard from other parents that they didn't like A, B or C and therefore i'm against whatever." She gave me the same response when I brought up the possibility of sending our son to summer school for a month.
At the end of the day i'm not going to force my son to attend these weekly karate classes. But, since we've only gone for 2 weeks i'd like for him to have a grasp of how to defend himself. I try to be diplomatic about these situations with the ex but things always seem to fall into the my way or the highway camp with her. Am I being unreasonable or is she?
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Maybe have a quiet word with the teacher to work out what his philosophy is for the classes he runs, subtly mention that the self defense aspects are of most interest, and see what the outcome is ?
Oh and of course point out to the ex that you make your own judgements which are not based on other's opinions…
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My son started Taekwando when he was 7,and the school had a semester charge and you were allowed to attend as much as you wanted. As he got older he went more often,eventually becoming a 3rd Degree black belt. Can’t say enough great things about the school he went to,which I think is really important. I also think it was really good for my son in terms of discipline and self esteem. I think at some point your son will really like it and may need/want more intensive training,or he’ll get bored and move onto something else.
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The takeaway for me is precisely what you've explained with your son's experience. My son will learn discipline, positive self-esteem, and respect. But the ex can't get over the violence part which seems self defeating when you're trying to get your child to learn self defense. This is a necessary aspect of any of the martial arts but she rejects it because it offends her sensibilities
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@neversummer I've dealt with a similar situation in a family member basically being a pain in the ass. I would agree with what others have already said and ultimately just try and support your wife as she deals with her side of the family. If she puts her foot down with them and there is no change then it is probably appropriate for you to speak up and diplomatically let the individual(s) know they need to respect the wishes of your family.
Also, like others have said, welcome to the world of family politics.
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from what i've read about the point of "I heard from other parents that they didn't like A, B or C and therefore i'm against whatever." is the biggest problem.
those so called parenting groups and expert parents are the biggest toxicity around. i share the same sentiment with parents whatsapp group chats for my son primary 1 class.
just because other parents doesn't like it for whatever reason doesn't mean it's wrong or not suitable for your own kid. just go with you feel is right because you know them better than anyone else. the fact with these kinda "parenting groups" is that they all feel like some sort of cult where if you don't follow their advice then you're deemed to be raising your child wrong.
go with what you feel is right and ask him what he wants and how he feels about the classes. let them make their own decisions and if they don't like it or feel it's too much for them, then it's their responsibility to tell you how they feel. this not only teaches them to make their own decisions but also follow through with the responsibilities they receive from making their own choices.
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That's pretty much how I feel regarding my ex-wife's responses. It wouldn't be so bad if there was at least compromise on some things but it usually gets to the point where all communication breaks down between us. In the case of summer school, my ex acts like there's a stigma attached to it. I have the opposite opinion in that I think being in a new learning environment will help my son. Not only will he be exposed to new teachers but he'll make new friends and have fun for a month.
With karate school i'm just going to talk to my son and ask what he wants. If he feels uncomfortable with the current instructor then i'll stop taking him. I found another karate school that has an actual dojo and they provide uniforms, so I think that's the direction we may go in.
The part of co-parenting that's difficult when divorced is keeping some semblance of civility between each other. There are times when we'll argue over something but it doesn't happen often. My ex asked me the other day if I wanted to co-host my son's bday party with her and I politely declined and told her that it's best that we keep bday celebrations separate. We simply do not get along and if we're in each other's presence it's usually just awkward silence. My son will occasionally ask me if I can do things with him and his mom and I have to explain to him that I can't in the most neutral way. I make it a point not to bad mouth her because that isn't very productive and doesn't do my son any good.
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When we were looking for a Martial Arts school for my son we chose Taekwondo over Karate,because we felt it was a better workout for him,due to the fact that there were kicks,which require balance/core strength involved. I was once told that the main difference between the two is that someone who has studied Taekwando would be just as happy to kick you as punch you,where as someone who’s studied Karate would just punch you. Maybe someone who knows more about this than me can explain.
