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That's Jokes

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  • H
    hectic
    Joined: 24 Sept 2009

    Nice, like that sketch.

    I just googled "world's best joke", apparently it is this:

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

    last edited by 5 Jan 2011, 14:52 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
    • H
      hectic
      Joined: 24 Sept 2009

      This is a good Russian joke that I like (you can substitute any names you like of course):

      "An intelligence test was conducted among the OMON (Russian Special forces) involving various sized round holes and square pegs. The conclusion states that the OMON can be divided into two groups: very dumb and VERY strong…"

      last edited by 5 Jan 2011, 14:55 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • C
        Chris
        Raw and Unwashed
        Joined: 28 Jun 2010

        One of my favorites is truly horrible:

        Why did the Indian chief get buried on the side of the hill?

        Because he was dead.

        As I said, truly horrible.

        last edited by 5 Jan 2011, 20:36 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • G
          Geo
          Joined: 29 Sept 2010

          just b'cos i'm heading out there - i was told most of the middle east don't watch the flintstones . . . but apparantly adu dhabi dooo . . .

          Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

          last edited by 8 Feb 2011, 12:19 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • S
            Seul
            Joined: 24 Nov 2009

            Hahah that's deliciously silly!..

            last edited by 8 Feb 2011, 17:52 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • L
              Loveyuer
              Joined: 28 Jan 2011

              Really funny, but where you find the jokes, on the google

              Yesterday is the deadline of all complaints
              http://www.ledstripsuppliers.com/
              Professional LED strip supplier for you , contact me on facebook
              Michael Lv

              last edited by 11 Feb 2011, 09:14 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • G
                Geo
                Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                i think some of these jokes could have been told more than 15 years ago . . . or at least 1 B.G. (in the modern calendar)

                Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                last edited by 11 Feb 2011, 16:45 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • G
                  gollotti
                  Joined: 26 Jan 2011

                  @Chris:

                  One of my favorites is truly horrible:

                  Why did the Indian chief get buried on the side of the hill?

                  Because he was dead.

                  As I said, truly horrible.

                  This is just as good as my simple favorite joke:

                  Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?  Because it was dead

                  Then you have the dead guy series:

                  What do you call a dead guy by a doorway….Matt
                  What do you call a dead guy floating on the water....Bob
                  What do you call a dead guy being thrown from a train....Chuck
                  What do you call a dead guy hanging from the wall....Art

                  last edited by 2 Nov 2011, 23:26 11 Feb 2011, 23:08 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • G
                    Giles
                    IHUK Crew
                    Joined: 22 Sept 2009

                    My fave one-liner of all time.

                    Nancy Reagan has had so many face lifts, she's got a goatie….....

                    "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                    last edited by 12 Feb 2011, 14:07 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • G
                      Geo
                      Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                      It's great how Seul has totally given us all some great fun with him wearing skirts and all - so we should be grateful he's with us at all after recovering from some serious injuries . . .

                      It all happened a while back when I had said to him I had made quite a bit of money selling bear skins

                      He said to me "isn't it a bit dangerous going after the bears?"

                      I said "no, not really - you just hunt in the winter when they are hibernating"

                      "what do you mean?" he said

                      "well, you just follow the tracks into the cave where they're sleeping . . . and bang, no problem"

                      "sounds good" said Seul "plus I need some more IH gear - think I'll give it a try"

                      I heard nothing of him for a few months, then I heard he'd just got out of hospital after being bandaged and plastered from head to toe

                      I said "what the hell happened to you?"

                      He said "well I did what you said . . . followed the tracks into a big dark cave . . . but I've still no idea where that train came from . . ."

                      Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                      last edited by 19 Feb 2011, 15:50 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • S
                        Seul
                        Joined: 24 Nov 2009

                        @Geo:

                        It's great how Seul has totally given us all some great fun with him wearing skirts and all - so we should be grateful he's with us at all after recovering from some serious injuries . . .

                        It all happened a while back when I had said to him I had made quite a bit of money selling bear skins

                        He said to me "isn't it a bit dangerous going after the bears?"

                        I said "no, not really - you just hunt in the winter when they are hibernating"

                        "what do you mean?" he said

                        "well, you just follow the tracks into the cave where they're sleeping . . . and bang, no problem"

                        "sounds good" said Seul "plus I need some more IH gear - think I'll give it a try"

                        I heard nothing of him for a few months, then I heard he'd just got out of hospital after being bandaged and plastered from head to toe

                        I said "what the hell happened to you?"

                        He said "well I did what you said . . . followed the tracks into a big dark cave . . . but I've still no idea where that train came from . . ."

                        😉

                        last edited by 19 Feb 2011, 15:57 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • L
                          Loveyuer
                          Joined: 28 Jan 2011

                          Humerous, quite laughing

                          Yesterday is the deadline of all complaints
                          http://www.ledstripsuppliers.com/
                          Professional LED strip supplier for you , contact me on facebook
                          Michael Lv

                          last edited by 11 Mar 2011, 01:53 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • Finn666F
                            Finn666
                            Joined: 20 Jan 2011

                            Too good Geo :D…

                            last edited by 11 Mar 2011, 09:10 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • D97x7D
                              D97x7
                              Joined: 7 Oct 2010

                              Excellent Geo

                              last edited by 11 Mar 2011, 09:57 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • G
                                Geo
                                Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                                ok so you all know how awesome injunjack is on the WAYCT thread? well just found out he used to run a little restaurant which sadly failed  😞

                                basically he opened up a place that didn't have a fixed menu as such - the USP was that the customer could order any food combo he or she wanted and if the kitchen couldn't supply it within reasonble cooking time then IJ would pay the customer $100,000 cash

                                well this little place went great guns for weeks . . . cooking and selling weird and wonderful dishes to all that ordered . . . in fact IJ's fame spread far and wide

                                then one day nemesis visited the place

                                IJ came out, complimented Nem on his jawns and took his order:

                                'elephant's ears on toast' said Nem
                                'no problem' answered IJ

                                so off he scurried back into the kitchen . . .

                                moments later there was the sound of pots crashing off walls and some less than muffled swearing, then IJ came out of the kitchen, straightened himself out and walked up to Nem's table

                                'i am sorry to say we cannot provide you with your dinner - please take this cash and leave my restaurant' said IJ
                                Nem laughed  'ha! i knew you wouldn't have elephant's ears!'
                                IJ  'nope . . . it wasn't that'
                                Nem  'then why are you paying up?'
                                IJ  'we ran out of bread . . . .'

                                Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                                last edited by 13 Apr 2011, 16:51 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • S
                                  Seul
                                  Joined: 24 Nov 2009

                                  😉

                                  last edited by 13 Apr 2011, 17:04 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • injunjackI
                                    injunjack
                                    見習いボス
                                    Joined: 19 Feb 2010

                                    😃 😉 🙂

                                    last edited by 13 Apr 2011, 17:15 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • B
                                      bertoni
                                      Joined: 17 Oct 2010

                                      Chap goes into a greasy spoon and the geezer behind the counter asks what he wants.

                                      "I'll have a full english please mate…but I want the fried egg burnt to a crisp on the bottom and hard in the middle and totally raw on top. I'd like the bacon so crispy that it flies all over the place as soon as I put me fork in it. I'd like the sausages hard and chewy on the outside but uncooked and pink on the inside, the fried bread so black it tastes of coal and the tomatoes ....

                                      Bloke behind the counter: Hold up hold up! I ain't got time to do all that!"

                                      Customer: "Well you fuckin found time yesterday!"

                                      last edited by 13 Apr 2011, 17:23 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • G
                                        Geo
                                        Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                                        😉

                                        that was IJ's first effort . . .

                                        Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                                        last edited by 13 Apr 2011, 17:29 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • S
                                          Seul
                                          Joined: 24 Nov 2009

                                          When the elephant was still cooking…

                                          last edited by 13 Apr 2011, 17:30 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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