That's Jokes
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An Arab is lost in the desert, without any supplies, baking under the hot midday sun, when he sees a man sat atop a dune in the distance. He approaches, hoping it is not a mirage. He is correct, and the man turns out to be sat behind a beautiful Persian rug, upon which are laid numerous neckties, in all colours, patterns and shapes. Beside each style is a little card indicating that these ties are for sale for the most extortionate prices the Arab has ever seen.
"Please" begs the Arab as he comes close to the man, "water… I'm dying of thirst... do you have any water?"
"Why hello good sir! Are you here to buy a tie?" says the tie salesman, cheerily.
"No... water... please... do you have any? I'm so thirsty!"
"I am afraid I do not have any water sir" says the salesman, "but I think a tie is just what you need to smarten you up. Your shirt looks a little dusty, and I have numerous ties which would compliment your ensemble quite nicely!"
"No, thank you... Please... you must have water..." pleads the Arab.
"Alas, I do not have water" says the salesman "I drank heartily before leaving home this morning. But I know of a restaurant a few miles East of here which will surely have water. But are you sure that you won't buy a tie? There are no other tie salesmen serving this area, and you will continue to look a bit shabby until you get one!"
"Thank you" says the Arab, politely deciding not to say anything about the salesman's overbearing sales patter or extortionate prices, before he starts in the direction of the restaurant.
A few hours later the tie salesman is packing up his wares for the day when the Arab returns, crawling, on his hands and knees and clutching his parched throat from his desperate thirst.
"Ah, hello again!" says the tie salesman. "Did you find the restaurant?"
"Yes" said the Arab "but your fucking brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
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Good one @Kasi!
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What do you call cattle satisfying itself?
(In my defense, no one said it had to be a funny joke)
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LOL–another dad, I see
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A good ol' boy from Alabama is visiting at his parents' house to break the news that he's proposed to his girlfriend. He tells them all the reasons he wants to marry this gal – looks, personality, still got all her teeth, the whole 9 yards -- and they seem thrilled until it accidentally slips that his new fiancée was still a virgin when they met.
His father immediately gets serious and demands, "call off the wedding immediately. You can't marry this woman."
Shocked, the son asks, "but pa, why? I love her!"
His father replies, "son, if she ain't good enough fer' her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours!"
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Got this one from a young lady we were interviewing for a job last week. We're going to make her a job offer.
3 Irish Catholic priests are in the back of a limo. An Irish Garda pulls them over, and gets off his bike to have a word. He taps on the glass and the priests roll down their window.
"We're looking for 3 paedophiles…" begins the Garda. The first priest immediately starts rolling the window back up again. "Please" says the first priest "let us have a moment to confer".
The priests have a quick word between themselves and quickly come to an agreement. They roll the window back down.
"Ok" says the priest, "we'll do it."
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Two older guys sitting on their front porch one afternoon with they're dog spike. The guys drinking beers, watching the cars go by when spike sitting there spreads his legs and starts licking and cleaning himself down below.
The one guy says you know I wish I could do that.
The other guy says, you know the dog bites.
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A man is hunting in the woods when he comes across a great big grizzly bear. He takes aim with his rifle, pulls the trigger, the gun fires, but after the smoke clears, the bear is nowhere to be seen.
To the man's surprise, he gets tapped on the shoulder. There stands the bear, far too close for his rifle to be of any use.
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it" says the bear. "I'll give you two choices, either I will maul you to death here and now, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and let me give you a good seeing to."
The man doesn't want to die, so he chooses option 2, and dutifully bends over while the bear has its way with him, before it leaves him whimpering.
Sore from this humiliation (not to mention the ursine sodomy) the man heads back into town, goes to the gun store, and buys a rifle with the highest gauge rounds available. "I'll show that bear" he vows.
He heads back into the woods and lies in wait where he found the bear the last time. Sure enough, the bear happens by. The man takes aim, fires this massive gun, but when the smoke clears the bear is nowhere to be seen.
Then the man feels a familiar tap on the shoulder. "You know what to do" says the bear. And the man drops his trousers and lets the bear have its way with him again.
This time, the man goes back to the gun store and buys a bazooka. "I'm done being fucked around by this bear" he says to himself.
He goes back to the same spot, and waits for the bear. When it shows up, he stands, takes aim, fires at the bear, and the force of the weapon knocks him on his ass. When he sits up, the bear is stood beside him, looking down at him.
"You're not in this for the hunting anymore, are you?" the bear asks.
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A zoophile, a sadist, a serial killer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting on a park bench when a stray cat walks by…
"Let's have sex with it"" the zoophile suggests.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs!" suggests the sadist.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it! says the serial killer.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it, then have sex with it again!" proposes the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with it, then break its legs, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it!" counters the pyromaniac.
They all turn to the masochist who says "meow". -
A man wanders into a pub and asks for a pint of beer.
"£1" says the barman.
"What? £1??" says the man. "That's crazy, it's been decades since pints were that cheap… Tell me, do you do food too?"
"We do" says the barman.
"Well how much is a steak with chips and all the trimmings?"
"A fiver" says the barman.
"Holy hell" says the man. "Is it any good for a fiver?"
"Yes" says the barman. "It's a 12oz 28 day aged Wagyu T-Bone."
"Amazing, I'll have one" says the man. "But you must introduce me to the owner, I really want to thank him for keeping his prices so low in this economy especially".
"Owner's upstairs right now in the office with my wife" says the barman, pouring the pint.
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.
"Same thing I'm doing to his pub..."
