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    Iron Heart Fall/Winter 2025 Collection Preview - Now Live

    That's Jokes

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    • steelworkerS
      steelworker
      見習いボス
      Joined:

      the jokes on us  ::)

      Those are my principles, and if you don't like them…
      Well, I have others.

      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • EdHE
        EdH
        Iron Heart Deity
        Joined:

        @Maynard:

        That Will Smith fella, he loves a joke  ??? 😃

        I heard that Will Smith got in that one minor altercation and now his mother is terrified and has insisted that he move in with her sister and brother-in-law in their large mansion in Bel Air, for his own safety.

        Take the dive...

        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • EdHE
          EdH
          Iron Heart Deity
          Joined:

          Take the dive...

          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • EdHE
            EdH
            Iron Heart Deity
            Joined:

            Five nuns have died and find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to get into Heaven as St Peter approaches.

            "Before you may pass these gates", he says, "you must purge yourself of any sin".

            St Peter turns to the first nun and asks "my child, have you committed any sin for which you need absolution?"

            The first nun admits that, on one occasion, she saw a man's genitalia in a magazine.

            "Go, my child, to that pool of holy water", he says, pointing at a nearby pool, "and wash your eyes. Your sins will then be absolved and you may pass into Heaven". And the first nun does as she is instructed and passes through the Pearly Gates.

            The second nun admits to, once, having pleased herself in a carnal way. "Go, my child" she is bid "and wash your hand in the pool of holy water. Your sins will then be absolved and you may pass into Heaven". And the second nun does as she is instructed, washes her hand and passes through the Pearly Gates.

            The third nun admits that, once, before taking her vows and while still a young woman, having intercourse. She had never admitted this to anyone other than God in her prayers out of shame. She is also bid to go to the pool of holy water and deuce herself with the water, which she does, before passing into Heaven.

            The fourth nun admits to having had anal sex, again, prior to taking her vows. St Peter instructs her to go to the pool and wash her backside, which she does, before she too passes into Heaven.

            "Now then my child" St Peter says, turning to the last nun. "What sin do you need absolution for?"

            "If you think I'm gargling that water now you've another think coming!" she replies.

            Take the dive...

            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • MotyM
              Moty
              Raw and Unwashed
              Joined:


              Courage is resistance to fear, it is mastery of fear, not absence of fear

              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • Filthy2123ozjunkieF
                Filthy2123ozjunkie
                見習いボスー
                Joined:

                In case you were born after '90 or are not American, here's context for my "you might be a redneck" jokes.

                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • endoE
                  endo
                  見習いボス
                  Joined:

                  real life  … me and my mrs driving though the Alps, been hiking, then cruising in my bus to the next spot and listening to SWR2, a local (ahem ...) pop music radio, for an hour or so

                  me: sorry, but I need to have some heavier music now  (sort of, was in german)
                  she: ok, what do you want me to play  (on spotify)
                  me: let's go for 'ace of spades'
                  she: ok, I'll put in on

                  ... (waiting ..., finally ... coming)

                  'All that she wants, is another baby ...'

                  she: [happy]

                  si tacuisses

                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • goosehdG
                    goosehd
                    Mod Squad
                    Joined:

                    @endo  😃 😃

                    "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • AnesthetistA
                      Anesthetist
                      見習いボス
                      Joined:

                      Rofl [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                      IG: bluehandsslim

                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • GilesG
                        Giles
                        IHUK Crew
                        Joined:

                        😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃 😃

                        "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • J
                          Jett129
                          見習いボス
                          Joined:

                          RIP Gilbert Gottfried. One of my all time favorites. 

                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • GilesG
                            Giles
                            IHUK Crew
                            Joined:

                            One of the guys I am fishing with, Mathieu, is a French farmer, and is officially as mad as a box of frogs.  We spend all our time laughing, mainly at the absurdity of his observations.

                            This was his last wheat harvest…...

                            "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • MattM
                              Matt
                              見習いボス
                              Joined:

                              😃

                              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • scooterS
                                scooter
                                啓蒙家
                                Joined:

                                Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

                                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • goosehdG
                                  goosehd
                                  Mod Squad
                                  Joined:

                                  @Giles

                                  A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

                                  The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”

                                  "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • GilesG
                                    Giles
                                    IHUK Crew
                                    Joined:

                                    hahahahahahahaha

                                    "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • EdHE
                                      EdH
                                      Iron Heart Deity
                                      Joined:

                                      A woman is turning 60 this year and wanted to push back the ravages of time by booking in a whole load of plastic surgery at once. She does so, spends a boat-load of cash, and is discharged from hospital, fully healed, by coincidence, on her 60th birthday.

                                      First, she decides to catch up on what has been going on while she convalesced, so she stops by a newsagents. While buying a copy of her favourite paper, she cannot help but test how well her procedures have masked her age, and asks the guy behind the counter how old he thinks she is?

                                      "Mid thirties, madam?" asks the guy.

                                      "Bless you for saying so", she says with a grin, "but I'm actually 60 today!".

                                      Elated, she decides to treat herself to something naughty and heads next into the local McDonalds. While waiting for her food, she decides to ask the young lady behind the counter the same thing:

                                      "If you don't mind my asking, how old do you think I am?"

                                      "Uuuuummm, 29?" asks the younger woman.

                                      "Thank you for saying, but no, I'm actually 60 today!" the woman exclaims, giggling to herself loudly.

                                      After eating her lunch, she decides she'd like some sweets for the journey home, and pops into a local sweet shop for some sherbert lemons. Again, as she is being served, she asks the clerk how old he thinks she is:

                                      "Ma'am, I wouldn't put you a day over 32" comes the reply.

                                      "You are such a sweetie, if you pardon the pun, but I am actually 60 today!".

                                      She then heads to the bus stop to wait for her bus home. At the stop is an old man. She decides to play this guessing game with an older gentleman:

                                      "Madam" he says "I am an old man, and my eyesight is almost completely shot. But in my day, I was always able to tell the exact age of a woman by - and I hope you do not think it too presumptuous of me to day so - fondling her breasts. I could tell you your exact age if you let me do that."

                                      The woman is intrigued by the old man's forwardness and expressed talent. Checking to see that no-one else is around, and given that she already feels sexy-as-hell today, she decides 'what the heck' and agrees to the old man's request, guiding his hands beneath her blouse.

                                      The old man carefully strokes each breast, squeezes them gently, pets them softly from all angles, teases the nipples with his nimble fingers, and measures their weight and bounce in his cupped hands.

                                      This goes on for 5 minutes or so before the woman loses patience and snatches his hands away.

                                      "Enough of that now, you've got to be able to hazard a guess after all that!" she says.

                                      "Madam, you are exactly 60 years old" says the old man.

                                      She is flabbergasted. "How could you possibly know that from fondling my boobs?" she asks.

                                      "Actually, I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds."

                                      Take the dive...

                                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • KasiK
                                        Kasi
                                        見習いボス
                                        Joined:

                                        Ha ha ha

                                        The world's insane
                                        While you drink champagne
                                        And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • GilesG
                                          Giles
                                          IHUK Crew
                                          Joined:

                                          hahahahaha

                                          "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                          • J
                                            Jett129
                                            見習いボス
                                            Joined:

                                            Love it,will definitely be using it!

                                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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