That's Jokes
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Lifted from another forum:
Purina Dog Food
A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.
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@Giles you should definitely make this your new avatar
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For those of you not following me on IG
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…this one's for @Oaktavia!
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…@Oaktavia just poking fun at the soon to be hitched!
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Caldwell the butler was tidying up one of the manor bedrooms when the lady of the house unexpectedly came breezing in.
Fixing him with a mesmerizing gaze, the Lady Worthington said "Caldwell, attend me please," motioning him over with a wave of her hand.
As he drew near, she asked in a quiet voice, "Caldwell, please… take off my dress."
Caldwell swallowed hard but, his training fully ingrained, realized his duty to accede to the Lady Worthington's wishes. Gently, he put his hands on the buttons of her dress and slowly started to undo them, one by one. More and more skin was revealed until finally, her dress slid off and puddled to the floor.
"Now, Caldwell," she commanded, "take off my bra."
With trembling fingers and fumbling for a moment, he unclasped her bra and pulled it off.
"And now, Caldwell ... my panties," she continued, "I want you to take them off too."
He hooked his fingers in the waistband of her panties and slowly, ever so slowly, slid them down to the floor on top of her other clothes.
"Thank you, Caldwell," she said cocking her head and setting her arms akimbo. "Now...
... if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "What happened, honey?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
There's a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
