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    Iron Heart Fall/Winter 2025 Collection Preview - Now Live

    That's Jokes

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    • J
      Jett129
      見習いボス
      Joined:

      Really great! Love it!

      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • vaquero357V
        vaquero357
        Banned
        Joined:

        …this one's for @Oaktavia! 😃 😉

        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • OaktaviaO
          Oaktavia
          見習いボス
          Joined:

          Must be a different Oaktavia  😃

          IG: electricindigowizard

          "Possibly splitting hairs, but I consider @Oaktavia to be the beardy, dank High Magus of this denim game…" @neph93

          WTB: IHJ-32 - XL/XXL

          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • vaquero357V
            vaquero357
            Banned
            Joined:

            …@Oaktavia just poking fun at the soon to be hitched! 😉

            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • OaktaviaO
              Oaktavia
              見習いボス
              Joined:

              @vaquero357:

              …@Oaktavia just poking fun at the soon to be hitched! 😉

              haha I gotchu!

              IG: electricindigowizard

              "Possibly splitting hairs, but I consider @Oaktavia to be the beardy, dank High Magus of this denim game…" @neph93

              WTB: IHJ-32 - XL/XXL

              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • goosehdG
                goosehd
                Mod Squad
                Joined:

                Caldwell the butler was tidying up one of the manor bedrooms when the lady of the house unexpectedly came breezing in.

                Fixing him with a mesmerizing gaze, the Lady Worthington said "Caldwell, attend me please," motioning him over with a wave of her hand.

                As he drew near, she asked in a quiet voice, "Caldwell, please… take off my dress."

                Caldwell swallowed hard but, his training fully ingrained, realized his duty to accede to the Lady Worthington's wishes. Gently, he put his hands on the buttons of her dress and slowly started to undo them, one by one. More and more skin was revealed until finally, her dress slid off and puddled to the floor.

                "Now, Caldwell," she commanded, "take off my bra."

                With trembling fingers and fumbling for a moment, he unclasped her bra and pulled it off.

                "And now, Caldwell ... my panties," she continued, "I want you to take them off too."

                He hooked his fingers in the waistband of her panties and slowly, ever so slowly, slid them down to the floor on top of her other clothes.

                "Thank you, Caldwell," she said cocking her head and setting her arms akimbo. "Now...

                ... if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

                "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • GilesG
                  Giles
                  IHUK Crew
                  Joined:

                  hahahahahahaha

                  "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • goosehdG
                    goosehd
                    Mod Squad
                    Joined:

                    "Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

                    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

                    "Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "What happened, honey?" he asks.

                    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.

                    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

                    There's a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

                    "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • J
                      Jett129
                      見習いボス
                      Joined:

                      Good one,didn’t know where it was going.

                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • J
                        Jett129
                        見習いボス
                        Joined:

                        RIP Betty White. This is a great scene from the Golden Girls.   

                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • endoE
                          endo
                          見習いボス
                          Joined:

                          hilarious  😃 😃 😃

                          si tacuisses

                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • endoE
                            endo
                            見習いボス
                            Joined:

                            si tacuisses

                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • steelworkerS
                              steelworker
                              見習いボス
                              Joined:

                              Those are my principles, and if you don't like them…
                              Well, I have others.

                              last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • J
                                Jett129
                                見習いボス
                                Joined:

                                Any Mitch Hedberg fans…I got a pack of Lifesavers in my pocket and Pineapple is next! 

                                last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • J
                                  Jett129
                                  見習いボス
                                  Joined:

                                  last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • J
                                    Jett129
                                    見習いボス
                                    Joined:

                                    Might be the single most iconic routine in the history of comedy? Who’s on First? Lou Costello would have been 116 today. Enjoy!

                                    last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • J
                                      Jett129
                                      見習いボス
                                      Joined:

                                      And just in case you can’t get enough…

                                      last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • J
                                        Jett129
                                        見習いボス
                                        Joined:

                                        If you need a laugh,this should do it….

                                        last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • EdHE
                                          EdH
                                          Iron Heart Deity
                                          Joined:

                                          A lady, let's call her Susan, is walking past a pet shop when she spies a beautiful parrot in the window. Susan goes in to enquire.

                                          "That parrot is beautiful" she says to the shop keeper, admiring its magnificent plumage, which seems iridescent in the late afternoon sun streaming through the glass.

                                          "Aye, that he is" says the shop keep. "To be honest, I don't know what to do with him and am thinking of letting him go for free to a good home. He's got a history that parrot, and I think he deserves a quiet retirement."

                                          "Oh?" says Susan, her interest piqued. "Please do tell me, I'd be interested in taking him home."

                                          "Well, the thing is, he used to belong to the madam of a large brothel on the other end of town. The place got busted a few years ago and he had to go into witness protection for a few years. He's given his evidence to the courts now, they've banged up all the pimps and traffickers, and apparently with no better ideas what to do with him, the authorities gave him to me to deal with. So, like I say, free to a good home, I think he deserves it."

                                          Susan considers the story only briefly - she had been watching the parrot's beautiful feathers sparkle, seemingly changing between every colour she could name and then some she couldn't - before agreeing to take him. Out of gratitude to the shop keeper and sparing no expense, she buys all the accessories such a beautiful parrot could ever want: a grand cage, a velvet cover, the works.

                                          Excitedly, Susan rushes home with her new pet. She plants the cage in the living room and whips the cover off.

                                          The parrot blinks in the sudden light, looks around the room, and squawks "Raaaawwwwk, new room, I like it!".

                                          Hearing the unusual sound of squawking, Susan's two daughters enter the room. The parrot looks them up and down and after a drawn out wolf-whistle remarks "RAAAAwwwwk, new girls, I REALLY like it!".

                                          Susan's husband pokes his head through the door to see what all the commotion is about and the parrot says "Oh, hello Keith!"

                                          Take the dive...

                                          last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                          • EdHE
                                            EdH
                                            Iron Heart Deity
                                            Joined:

                                            Man from the city goes hunting with his dog in the English countryside. A duck flies out of the reeds and the man shoots it down with a loud bang, and his faithful hound goes to retrieve the duck. When he comes back, the dog is being followed by a portly, red-faced farmer.

                                            "'Ello there" says the farmer, "I think your dog has my duck. I'll be takin' that".

                                            "Oh no", says the city-boy. "I shot it with my gun and my dog retrieved it. It's my duck."

                                            "Aye, but you're on my land, so it was my duck in the first place" says the farmer.

                                            "But you forget that I was on a public right of way" retorts the city slicker.

                                            "Seems to me that we've got a dispute then" says the farmer, in a thick west-country drawl. "Tell you what, we've got time 'onoured traditions to settle these things, if you're game? What it is is that you stand there in the path, with your 'ands be'ind your back and your legs slightly apart, and I get to kick you in the nuts. Then I'll stand there on the path, with my 'ands be'ind my back and my legs slightly apart and you kick me in the nuts. And we'll go on like that until one man yields, and the other gets to keep the duck. What say you?"

                                            "Far be it from me to refuse a country tradition" says the man, "I accept".

                                            "Right then, stand there as I said" says the farmer, as he starts to walk away from the out-of-towner.

                                            The farmer hefts his rotund frame about 50 yards down the path and gets on his haunches to take a run-up at the man. The man swallows hard out of trepidation, but dutifully stands as he promised, with his hands behind his back and his legs slightly apart. The farmer takes a surprisingly quick run towards the man and kicks him square in the balls.

                                            About 15 minutes pass. After the man has recovered from vomiting, swearing, crying and weeping, he stands up, composes himself and says, wincing "Yep, you got them both square on. That was a good kick! Right, now it's my turn".

                                            "You're alright", says the farmer, "you can keep the duck."

                                            Take the dive...

                                            last edited by 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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