That's Jokes
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Lifted from another forum:
St Peter.
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my Bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to Live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back Straight way".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but here is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... -
My favorite street joke:
There’s a Priest, a Pastor and a Rabbi sitting on a park bench.
Jesus Christ himself comes walking by, sees these men and says “Gentlemen. For being such kind servants and teachers of your faith. I will heal you of any ailment you have.”
So first is the Priest. He says to Jesus, “Please help me, for I am blind.” So Jesus touches the Priests eyes and says a prayer, and the Priest can see again!
Next, the Pastor says to Jesus. “Please, I’m very sick with cancer, I need your help.” Jesus goes to the Pastor, He touches him, says a prayer and now the Pastor is cancer free!
Finally, he goes to the Rabbi and the Rabbi says “Don’t you touch me! I’m on disability!!!”
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@Danimal506 thanks for standing those stand up anecdotes, big fan of a lot of the folks in your book.
Sam Morrill, Ari Shaffir and Daniel Sloss are probably my favourites in terms of their written/live material. Honourable mention to Big Jay, love the whole LoS show
Tim Dillon has gotta be my favourite comedy podcaster though, never fails to have me in stitches with the he riffs and improvs on the wildest subjects! Everything he's recorded and put out though doesn't seems to reach those heights though..
“𝑁𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑢𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑏 𝑦𝑜𝑢. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑚𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝑖𝑡, 𝑖𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜, 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑤𝑒𝑎𝑝𝑜𝑛𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑤ℎ𝑖𝑐ℎ 𝑡𝑜𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝑎𝑟𝑚 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑡.”
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Apologies if you’ve all heard it:
What’s the average winter temperature in Detroit Michigan?
Three Degrees, Four Tops. -
@T4920 Thanks dude! Yea those New York guys are are killers!
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@Jett129 not heard of him but I really enjoyed that. I’ll check out more of his stuff.
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@IrishHeart He has some specials on YouTube,his most recent one produced by Sam Morril. That’s an old clip,as he’s currently bald. In case you find something and wonder if it’s the same guy.
