That's Jokes
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Once upon a time there was a little boy who liked to go really, really fast. When he grew up, he became a train driver. But because he still liked to go really, really fast, it was only a matter of time until he went too fast in the train. Sure enough, he de-railed the train, killing one person in the wreck. He was subsequently convicted of manslaughter and sent to prison on a death sentence.
For his final meal, he modestly requested that the executioner give him one banana. He was then strapped into the electric chair, the switch was thrown, there were sparks, flashes of light, and a mild smell of burning, but afterwards the train driver was unscathed.
Now, in this country when a prisoner convicted to die survives the execution attempt, it is viewed as divine intervention and the prisoner is allowed to go free. So our train driver was freed, and even able to resume his old job!
But he hadn't learned his lesson; he still liked to go really, really fast. Sure enough, he eventually de-railed another train, this time killing two people.
Again, he was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to death by electric chair. When the designated day came, the train driver requested two bananas from the executioner for his final meal. After he ate these, he was strapped into the chair, the switch was thrown, there were sparks, flashes of light, and a burning smell, but afterwards the train driver was unscathed.
Again, this was viewed as divine intervention and the man was allowed to go free. Again, he resumed his old job as a train driver. And again, having not learned his lesson, he went really, really fast and de-railed a train, this time killing three people.
Again, he was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to die. When the day came, he requested from the executioner three bananas for his final meal.
"No, fuck you and fuck your bananas" said the executioner. "I don't know how you're doing it, but you've thwarted our attempts to execute you twice already. We're doing this now, with or without your final meal."
So, while it was against protocol and, some would say, common decency altogether, the train driver was strapped into the electric chair without having eaten his final meal. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, and again there were flashes of light and a burning smell… but again, when they turned off the chair, the train driver was absolutely fine.
"I don't understand it" said the executioner, "you didn't get your bananas this time?!"
"Oh the bananas had nothing to do with it" said the train driver. "I'm just a bad conductor."
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Guy goes to see the psychiatrist.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep having this alternating, recurring dream. First I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tee-pee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tee-pee".
"Try to relax" the psychiatrist says, "you're two tents".
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@neph93 What a mess you got there, we have in the Czech rep. sunny and 20 today but snow and freezing is coming this weekend
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That Will Smith fella, he loves a joke ???
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the jokes on us ::)
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@Maynard:
That Will Smith fella, he loves a joke ???
I heard that Will Smith got in that one minor altercation and now his mother is terrified and has insisted that he move in with her sister and brother-in-law in their large mansion in Bel Air, for his own safety.
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Five nuns have died and find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to get into Heaven as St Peter approaches.
"Before you may pass these gates", he says, "you must purge yourself of any sin".
St Peter turns to the first nun and asks "my child, have you committed any sin for which you need absolution?"
The first nun admits that, on one occasion, she saw a man's genitalia in a magazine.
"Go, my child, to that pool of holy water", he says, pointing at a nearby pool, "and wash your eyes. Your sins will then be absolved and you may pass into Heaven". And the first nun does as she is instructed and passes through the Pearly Gates.
The second nun admits to, once, having pleased herself in a carnal way. "Go, my child" she is bid "and wash your hand in the pool of holy water. Your sins will then be absolved and you may pass into Heaven". And the second nun does as she is instructed, washes her hand and passes through the Pearly Gates.
The third nun admits that, once, before taking her vows and while still a young woman, having intercourse. She had never admitted this to anyone other than God in her prayers out of shame. She is also bid to go to the pool of holy water and deuce herself with the water, which she does, before passing into Heaven.
The fourth nun admits to having had anal sex, again, prior to taking her vows. St Peter instructs her to go to the pool and wash her backside, which she does, before she too passes into Heaven.
"Now then my child" St Peter says, turning to the last nun. "What sin do you need absolution for?"
"If you think I'm gargling that water now you've another think coming!" she replies.
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In case you were born after '90 or are not American, here's context for my "you might be a redneck" jokes.
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real life … me and my mrs driving though the Alps, been hiking, then cruising in my bus to the next spot and listening to SWR2, a local (ahem ...) pop music radio, for an hour or so
me: sorry, but I need to have some heavier music now (sort of, was in german)
she: ok, what do you want me to play (on spotify)
me: let's go for 'ace of spades'
she: ok, I'll put in on... (waiting ..., finally ... coming)
'All that she wants, is another baby ...'
she: [happy]
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Rofl [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
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