Random Love (anti-rants)
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Hey everybody,
I'm aware that you don't know me and I don't know most of you but somehow I have the urge to tell my story, even if it's just to some strangers. I've been looking here everyday for a year or so and I'm not active anywhere else on the internet.
I have a little daughter which is 3yo now. My wife was pregnant with a girl. The pregnancy was amazing, no complications for her or the baby, no worries, every check up said it's all good.
Last week on Monday morning, pregnancy week 40, my wife had a CTG and it was all fine. In the evening my wife told me she hadn't felt any child movements the whole day. We were a little worried but we thought it'd be all right, I mean… few hours before she had a CTG.... We read it's normal that the kids move a lot less on the last days of pregnancy. But it just felt wrong and my wife drove to the hospital alone, as I had to take care of our other daughter (it was in the middle of the night). I was waiting so long and then came the call, my wife told me our baby is dead. I got on my knees crying. I'm not sure what happened next but I managed to call my parents to come over and drove to the hospital myself. We are destroyed.
My wife gave birth to our baby girl Marlen on Tuesday 8pm. When she was born i was begging her just to start crying, but she didn't.
We only had one night with her. I read her some child books, Radio plays, we just hold her in our arms the whole night. It somehow was a beautiful night , but it was the only one we had with her. She is a really beauty.
On Wednesday 1pm we had to leave her behind in the hospital and drove home. We are more then heartbroken. Sometimes I'm feeling so empty and numb, sometimes it really really hurts.
I'll never be able to see her laughing or crying. I'll never see her growing up. I'll never hold her in my arms again. And most important she had no chance to see this beautiful world, to make her first steps, to meet her sister and family...just everything.
This happened 5 days before her calculated birth date. She had the umbilical cord around her neck and her whole body.
I guess my 3yo does not really understand what's happening and why mom and dad are so sad. But she said Marlen is in heaven now with our dog, who died few weeks ago and she wants to give a little ball to Marlens grave so that she can play with him.
Tomorrow is the funeral and I'm just scared.
I just wanted to write it down and share it with somebody. A lot easier to write then to talk about it. Maybe this is the wrong place , if so , just delete my post.
If it helps me, it helps. If not, it can't get worse.Thanks for reading ,
Kevin -
Kevin I’m so sorry. It is a terrible thing you have experienced. I hope sharing it here helps you get through the evening. The only thing to do at a time like this is to get through each day at a time.
My sincere condolences and warmest thoughts to you and your family.
Reuben.
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Kevin, thank you for sharing. I don't know you but after reading about you and your families recent traumatic experience you all are in me and my wife's thoughts and we are sending you love at this difficult time.
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@chbronsonx - I am so terribly sorry to learn your tragic news, yet privileged that you felt you could share your story here. Like most people, I cannot possibly understand what you and your wife are going through, with the grief of losing your baby daughter and all the unanswerable questions that go with that shocking loss.
With sincere condolences, sending love and all positive thoughts to you and your family at this terrible time. As Neph has already said, it will be a case of taking each hour and day as it comes, and leaning on all the support you are offered to help you through.
Thinking of you all.
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My sincerest condolences to you, your wife and Family. What a heartbreaking story. My sister had three very similar experiences with losing babies very short before birth, having to give birth to them. Now she has three healthy Kids and I think we keep the memory to the other ones in a Special place, but don't go there daily to somehow be able to deal with it. I hope you'll find a way to cherish the Memory of her without letting it bring you down over time. Crossing fingers for all of you.
Flo
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@Giles @neph93 @den1mhead @Madame Buttonfly @Max Power
Hi ,
Thank you all very much for the nice words you said. We really appreciate that.
The funeral was early this morning and somehow it was kind of beautiful. All the
people that came, family and friends…My daughter drew a picture for her sister ,
gave her a ball, a toy and a stuffed animal. Tons of soapbubbles for the kids and
we let fly some balloons... I thought she wouldn't understand what's
happening but she honestly said several times today that she's really sad and
misses her sister.
She will take a special place between us forever I guess, we are parents of 2 now,
even if one is not with us.
Thanks a lot .
And @Max Power Your sister must be tough as nails. I'm not sure I'd survive if this happened
to me three times. I thought it can't get worse but for her it was a lot worse I guess. On the other
side, if she has three kids now and she's happy…guess it's worth going through hell then. Leaves
me speechless. Thanks for sharing .I wish you all a nice day / evening,
Kevin -
@chbronsonx
Kevin, thanks for posting again and letting us know about how the day went. Just to echo what @Madame Buttonfly wrote earlier, it is a fine thing that you feel able to share your grief here at this terrible time. I hope it gives you something.You may or may not be a fan of Nick Cave. You may or may not know that he lost his 16 year old son in an accident a few years ago. At https://www.theredhandfiles.com he fields questions on all sorts of topics but some of them are about grief and loss, and specifically about his reaction to the death of his son and the process of grieving that event. Regardless of the topic, he always writes with warmth, love, honesty, humour and humanity. There may be some solace in his words for you too.
Take care
Reuben
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@chbronsonx
Man, it's such a heartbreaking Story. I really find it hard to find some words of solace. I hope your daughter helps you to continue with everyday life and the whole family will certainly support you.I hope that the example of my sister shows that there are ways to somehow cope with it without letting it tear you apart nor forget about what happened.
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I am so sorry. This is absolutely devastating and very relatable. My wife and I have experienced a similar loss. While not as far along, my wife did have a miscarriage which left both of us heartbroken. It took us quite some time for my wife to successfully get pregnant (a serious stressor on a marriage) only to have the positive pregnancy ripped from us months later. It is far and away the worst experience of my life and something I wish upon no one.
Stay close to your wife. Be sad together. Cry together. Talk to each other. And if necessary seek therapy together (this is unbelievably healthy and helpful).
I'm more than happy to discuss further through DM if needed.
Wishing nothing but the best for you and your family.
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@neph93 Thanks I will look that up.
@Max Power Yes my daughter helps us a lot to go on with everyday life and such. She has such a simple childish way of dealing with it, it's great. One minute she's crying because of her sister and five seconds later she's laughing while playing with her toys. Not that easy for us, but sometimes I wish I could handle it as she does. I'm trying to go on with everyday life and playing with her like we did before it happened and I guess it works well at the moment. Today I went swimming with her. It was great, but… a lot of baby's there. But I want to confront myself with that, and I'm thinking about it a lot because I don't want to distract myself from what happened. I guess that's the only way to really get over it. I could bury myself in work or something , but I think that it would come back heavier one day then. It's a struggle between everyday life and confronting yourself as much as you can with what happened.
Time heals all wounds I guess.@BloodnThunder I'm sorry for you too and thanks for your offer. Yes, I hope we get all over it together. I hope you got over it together too. We're a good team and we've been together since 12 years now, back then we were 17yo. We talk about it everyday honestly , and we are writing it down everyday. We talked about therapy but at the moment we both think we won't need it. Maybe we want to meet with other parents who went through this tell too, there are groups near us.
Wishing you all the best,
Kevin -
In anticipation of a major house-full over the 10 year anny party weekend, @Madame Buttonfly is making me go through stuff and do a major clean-up. I found this in one of my bedroom drawers, it brought a tear to my eye. Paula reckons it's from when @Alex was about 7 or 8. Given that his hand-writing has not improved much since then, it could have been from last year…
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Lest I forget.. Thank you to @Graham for the unbelievable customer service over the WEEKEND… answering all
My pestering questions. You da man. -
I asked @Kurt-faith to see if he could get me one of these. Made in Taiwan, monster drag reel (it pulls 32kg). He got the first one ever made and then gave it me as a birthday present. I will be having a severe chat with him later today, I can't ask him for a favour and then have him doing that…....Mind you, @Madame Buttonfly admitted this morning that she had not got me anything, so maybe she can buy it off Kurt….
