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That's Jokes

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  • T
    that_was_easy
    Joined: 3 Feb 2010

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

    “No problem, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

    Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

    “President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    “The Pope,” his boss replies.

    “Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

    He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

    His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw … you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?”

    last edited by 13 Oct 2010, 19:57 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
    • topic:timeago-later,8 days
    • R
      riffblaster general
      Raw and Unwashed
      Joined: 23 Mar 2010

      what do you do when you see a spaceman?

      park, man.

      PUT DOWN THAT STARBUCKS, PICK UP THAT GNARBUCKS!!

      last edited by 21 Oct 2010, 14:36 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • topic:timeago-later,2 months
      • C
        cowsareforeating
        Joined: 10 Dec 2009

        http://www.styleforum.net/showthread.php?t=215042

        lol!

        last edited by 20 Dec 2010, 05:00 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • D
          D97x7
          Joined: 7 Oct 2010

          I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
          I shouted "where you off to Charlie"
          He said "I'm going to change a light bulb"
          I laughed my head off and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?
          "Not really" he said "I've still got the receipt, you spiteful b******.

          last edited by 20 Dec 2010, 10:25 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • R
            riffblaster general
            Raw and Unwashed
            Joined: 23 Mar 2010

            how do you wake up lady gaga?

            poker face.

            PUT DOWN THAT STARBUCKS, PICK UP THAT GNARBUCKS!!

            last edited by 20 Dec 2010, 18:33 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • H
              hectic
              Joined: 24 Sept 2009

              @cowsareforeating:

              http://www.styleforum.net/showthread.php?t=215042

              lol!

              That's a good one.

              last edited by 20 Dec 2010, 18:48 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • S
                Seul
                Joined: 24 Nov 2009

                Best one here - although it makes me wanna punch items (walls, fridges, tanks,…).

                last edited by 20 Dec 2010, 18:49 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • C
                  cowsareforeating
                  Joined: 10 Dec 2009

                  yeah you and me both…

                  last edited by 20 Dec 2010, 21:23 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • topic:timeago-later,13 days
                  • K
                    Katsushin
                    Joined: 9 May 2010

                    Not a joke per se, but comedic none the less…
                    (Yes they're real)

                    last edited by 3 Jan 2011, 00:44 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • G
                      Geo
                      Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                      Piece of string goes into a bar, orders a beer and the barman says "Sorry, but read the notice - we don't serve string here. I need to ask you to leave" The string protests, but the barman just points to the door.

                      Next day the piece of string thinks "I'll get served this time" - and puts on a pair of dark glasses and heads back into the bar.

                      Straight away the barman says "You can't fool me, you're that piece of string I threw out yesterday - so GO!"

                      The string is now really mad at not getting served so he goes outside, throws away the glasses, loops himself into a loop, ruffles his top end and goes straight back into the bar and orders a beer.

                      The barman says "Do you think I'm crazy? You're that piece of string that had the dark glasses aren't you?" and the string says "No, I'm afraid not . . ."

                      Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                      last edited by 3 Jan 2011, 01:51 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • C
                        caseywisenbaker
                        Joined: 31 Oct 2010

                        hahahahah a frayed knot!

                        last edited by 4 Jan 2011, 01:23 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • G
                          Geo
                          Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                          😉

                          Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                          last edited by 4 Jan 2011, 11:37 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • G
                            Geo
                            Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                            or how about:

                            the missus and me were discussing our sex life and I said to her "truthfully - how often do you enjoy sex?"

                            she said "well I'm sorry to say I like it infrequently"

                            I thought for a second and asked "Is that one word or two?"

                            Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                            last edited by 4 Jan 2011, 11:42 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • B
                              Beatle
                              Joined: 8 Dec 2009

                              lol..that was actually funny…

                              We can do anything

                              http://bybeatle.com

                              last edited by 4 Jan 2011, 11:46 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • G
                                Geo
                                Joined: 29 Sept 2010

                                whadayamean "actually"!!!  😉

                                Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

                                last edited by 4 Jan 2011, 11:48 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • B
                                  Beatle
                                  Joined: 8 Dec 2009

                                  yeah, ur right. really funny

                                  We can do anything

                                  http://bybeatle.com

                                  last edited by 4 Jan 2011, 11:59 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • R
                                    RichValentine
                                    Joined: 3 Jan 2011

                                    Thought this would be ideal for this time of year 😛

                                    last edited by 5 Jan 2011, 00:26 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • H
                                      hectic
                                      Joined: 24 Sept 2009

                                      Nice, like that sketch.

                                      I just googled "world's best joke", apparently it is this:

                                      Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

                                      last edited by 5 Jan 2011, 14:52 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • H
                                        hectic
                                        Joined: 24 Sept 2009

                                        This is a good Russian joke that I like (you can substitute any names you like of course):

                                        "An intelligence test was conducted among the OMON (Russian Special forces) involving various sized round holes and square pegs. The conclusion states that the OMON can be divided into two groups: very dumb and VERY strong…"

                                        last edited by 5 Jan 2011, 14:55 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • C
                                          Chris
                                          Raw and Unwashed
                                          Joined: 28 Jun 2010

                                          One of my favorites is truly horrible:

                                          Why did the Indian chief get buried on the side of the hill?

                                          Because he was dead.

                                          As I said, truly horrible.

                                          last edited by 5 Jan 2011, 20:36 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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