Confessions of a…....
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This is the place to share your deepest, darkest secrets, get a few things off your chest, share with you closest internet buddies. I'll start you all off….
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When I am drunk I tell random strangers that I am the bass player of the "Gaping Assholes", my made up punk band.
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When I was young I only used to take women for dates at the pub closest to my dads house. The reason for this is because if it was not going well I could excuse myself to the toilet and leave by the back of the pub, move the loose board in the fence around the car park, and gain entry to the alley way which ran behind our house. I did this on at least three occasions.
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Another…..
- On my wedding day I met Pams Aunty Pauline for the first time. She came over to give me a hug, but I approached it awkwardly and a little too quickly maybe, and her hand ended up cupping my genitals.....awkward.
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great thread, thank you for sharing.
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Thanks man, last one from me for the night…..
- I am so scared of dentists that I spent a year with the worst tooth ache known to man, and each night I would shake it off with neat whiskey and ridiculously strong marijuana. When I eventually summoned the courage to visit the dentist it took him less than 5 seconds to extract the offending tooth.....I am a pussy.
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her hand ended up cupping my genitals…..awkward.
She as small as Pam?
I simply remember how gentle her touch was, almost a caress.
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I tried to start a similar thread a while back. Got no traction….
http://www.ironheart.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=3555.msg182749#msg182749
But I am sure you will do better than me.
Here's mine…
About four years ago I was in Tokyo without Paula, but with Kiya and Demitra. We were staying in a lovely atrium style hotel in Shinjuku, the rooms being built around a large central void. The lifts (elevators) are situated in the middle of one wall and the reception desk is on another wall but sort of in the centre of the square. It is a long walk from the elevators to the reception desk. My room was on the 6th floor
It is the last night of my stay and we go out for a meal and a few beers, we go back to my room for a few more beers. Eventually they leave and I go to bed. In the middle of the night, I get up for a pee, open the "bathroom" door which slams behind me. Holy shit, I'm not in the bathroom but in the middle of the corridor, butt naked and no keys to the room. On a side note, you sober up pretty quickly when this happens to you.
The prospect of going down to ground floor and then walking the walk of shame across the open atrium is not appealing. Meanwhile, whilst I am mulling over a solution I'm still standing in a public area looking a little exposed. Eventually I realise there is a phone next to the ice making machine. After a few attempts at getting through to the front desk I manage to get through, even better, the guy (thank God) understands my predicaments and comes to help. I hide behind the ice machine and when he opens my room door I dive for cover.
End of story? Well almost. Later that morning I am checking out, I pay the bill and as I turn to leave, the reception guy says with a slight japanese smirk to his face "everything alright after last nights incident sir?"....
I get home and realise when I land, I left my cell phone on the bed.
Not my finest hour....
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My wife and I met at work. My first day, they were giving me a tour and introducing me to all the employees. I was 20 at the time, she was 17. After they introduced me to her and we were walking away to go to another section of the building, I asked the guy giving me the tour "Is she a midget?" Little did I know she would be my wife 7 years later…...
Gav knows the feeling
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Awesome Brooks
I have a similar story about how Pam and I met.
I worked at an Irish bar in Mansfield called O'Neills, but I was fired rather quickly for spending most of my shift smoking in the staff toilet rather than actually working. Anyway, I liked the pub so I used to go in there to drink after I was fired (totally shameless), and one night a former work colleague of mine introduced me to my replacement, Pam.
At the time I was really, really drunk, so the first words I ever uttered to my wife to be were….
"You'll never replace me, your too short, and you're a woman"
....and with that, I turned my back on her.
I went on my merry way, totally forgetting the incident until a couple of years later when Pam came to work at my current company. Our eyes met across a photocopier and she said to me ....
"Oi! You used to work at O'Neills, you were a bit of a prick"
.....and the rest is a love story
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13 years old dad at work mom at the store. Decided to spank the monkey. Laid out roughly ten porno mags on the floor and went to town. While hovering over the magazines. I neglected to to hear my bedroom door open. To my surprise my mother had walked into my room while I was throwing my shoulder out. She very gracefully said excuse me and left the room quickly.
When I was 18 I asked my mother to come to my apartment while I was at work because the cable guy was coming. I had an old huge rear projection Mitsubishi tv. The cable guy set up the box and then checked to make sure the VCR was working. He hit play and moaning started blaring out of my sound system. I had made a homemade porno with an ex girlfriend that was huge into anal and my mom, younger brother, and 2 cable guys all got to witness it.
"Obstacles are stepping-stones That guide us to our goals"
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WINNER ^
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Knew I could rely on Jeff for some sick shit
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Glad I could amuse. I can go on for days with this shit.
"Obstacles are stepping-stones That guide us to our goals"
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Please do, I'm going to be looking deep into the archive for some bad times laughs…..
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I got one on a similar theme to D666.
My mum and dad ran a pub for most of my life. We had a flat above it. At around the age of 13 or so we had Sky TV installed. The box was located upstairs and connected to our TV. The screens downstairs would then show what was being played upstairs.
You can see where i am going with this i bet…So anyway one saturday night when i had been sent upstairs to bed i snuck into the front room and decided to check out the "exotic" channels. Anyone who had the original Sky will remember this was the days of the german channels. So anyway long story short i switched it to my favourite channel. As I settled down to enjoy a so good old german porn i heard a cheer from downstairs which i didn't think much of. It was only as my Dad came flying through the door yelling at me to turn it off. That i realised they were watching boxing downstairs or at least they were before they got to see my german porn.
For a good few months after that all the regulars would rib me about it and ask if i had seen any good films. -
RTL FTW
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During the first year dating my wife. I went on a skiing trip with her, her brother and his friends. We drank heavily the first night we got there. I woke up early The next morning to get first tracks. Putting on My snowboard pants. I zipper my manhood. I Let out a loud scream and woke everyone in the house. The zipper was imbedded in my mushroom cap, there was no escape. There was now 10 people standing over me laughing so hard they were crying. One of my brothers friends cut my pants off of me. I was sweating and I looked like a shark attack victim. I then proceeded to call the ski patrol For first aid. They hung up on me and said it was a prank phone call. After a bit of coaxing I decided to go down first aid to get myself fixed. When I arrived they started laughing and said owe my God you were the guy that called. They then asked me if I was squeamish. I replied no. Then the one female ski patrol Announced come here guys this is the guy who caught his dick in his pants. She used surgical scissors And cut the zipper from the bottom. I was free except for the huge blood blister on the tip of my dick. My wife proceeded to tell her mother and her response at least I know he's out of commission for the week.
"Obstacles are stepping-stones That guide us to our goals"
