Confessions of a…....
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Great stories …..bloody funny , killer raccoons , urinatorman unleashes on the coffee table ,
Dumb waiter pauses firemen are summoned , post-dinner self-love witnessed by mother .....Ok my turn , when I was a young bloke and partook in the ritual of porn mags (remember those days ?)
came home from school one day , went up to my room . Do the usual toss off my jacket , throw the bag on the bed ,
at this point I realize my carpet is making a strange sound . Look down and holy shin digging shite , all of the mags I had
hidden , were tornadoed all over the floor . Then I heard my mum behind me say " Here's ah rrrubbish bag ( garbage bag ) , get this all oot ah ma sight ." " Yer faither will not be short of words for you later ." Never been so mortified
in my life , these were not Playboy publications........., probably didn't look my mum in the eye for a month or more .Have to say getting caught wanking , would have been worse !
Cheers
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JDL , glad you got out of the addiction trap …...As for the IH addiction.....good luck !
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Jock
Out of one, into another
Here's a embarrassing one, at 13 we lived in a two family split level. My aunt and uncle lived upstairs, and their access passed some old Florida high windows in my room. Finding myself home alone I settled in for some man to hand time. As I get going, I am startled to hear "Whatcha doin there Spanky?" A nickname that followed me for two years, complete with play by play for those new to the story.
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In 11th grade I pepper sprayed my english class. It was actually an accident. I found the pepper spray in the bathroom and i took it with me to class I started messing with it (because i sat in the back of the class) and the thing just went POP and went EVERYWHERE. To be fair I really just pepper sprayed the shit out of myself and it SUCKED but if you're even near the mist of that stuff it's gonna mess you up. so yeah. wanna hear the kicker? I didn't get kicked out of school. I can be a smooth talker when i need to be.
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Long one here, I think I might have told a few of you this one before in private maybe, anyway….
A couple of years ago I took a walk to my local shop, on the way I noticed a young couple having an argument near the bottom of my street but thought nothing more of it and carried on to the shop. On the way back I was checking out my freshly cleaned Jordan III's and thinking how sweet they looked when I saw that the couple were still arguing near my street and the argument had escalated into the dude grabbing the young woman by the arm and trying to drag her down the road, so I intervened.
I got straight into this pricks face and managed to give him a pretty good scare (I was about 5 inches taller and 5 stone bigger than him), and told him to fuck off in the opposite direction to the way his girl was going to be walking, which he did.
Feeling pretty pleased with myself for being such a bad ass I turned to finish my journey home and immediately slipped in a massive pile of dog shit, straight onto my back, managing to twist my ankle and cut my elbow in the process, not to mention cover my left (freshly cleaned) Jordan in fresh shit, all this right in front of the girl I'd just helped and the dude I just threatened on her behalf.
Luckily he simply carried on his way rather than taking the opportunity to jump on my skull, and the girl gave me a last look of bemusement and pity before scuttling off on her own way.
I limped into the house holing my shit covered sneaker, limping and bleeding with Pam asking "what happened to you?". I could barely bring myself to answer. She must have felt sorry for me because when I got out of my hastily drawn bath I found my Jordans freshly re-cleaned and drying on newspaper outside the front door.
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glass is always full even when you can't see what it is full of.
we need air & water to live . . . so the glass is f^cking full
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we need air & water to live . . . so the glass is f^cking full
I like that a lot. You're brilliant.
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nah just a master of arguing both sides of anything, hahahhahahaha
oh & all that story shows is Mega is clumsy as hell. i guess it is hard for a big bad ass robot to avoid a pile of dog mess, hahahahahaha
oh & idon't get involved when folks are f^cking or fighting unless invited
sh!t gets messy & you never know all the details . . . -
oh & the story shows Mini is a keeper. she cleaned Mega's J' that is wife material if i ever heard it
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Back from the dead!!!
A little story which my cousin reminded me of the other day which might amuse…
Some years ago, when I first left school, I had a part time job with a business which a part of my family ran delivering and fitting gas and electric cooking appliances. One day I was out on a delivery with my cousin and I was absolutely desperate for the toilet, and it wasn't the kind of thing where I could just find a tree if you get what I mean.
So we get to the customers house who we were delivering to next, I knock on the door and the guy answers (a frail looking old dude of about 80 years) and I say "Cooker delivery, do you mind if I use your toilet?". The guy looks a little confused by invites me in and shows me to the bathroom whilst my cousin unloads the giant, heavy cooker from the van single handed. Unfortunately I had either ate something which disagreed with me or had too much cheap booze the night before but my visit to the old mans bathroom was a long and unpleasant experience and I hoped that no one would want to come in after me, basically I was gone for about 20 minutes.
When I finally returned to the front door I saw my horrified cousin and a very confused old man who had not ordered a cooker and was wondering what we were doing at his house, we had completely the wrong road.
Lesson - Sat Nav is a GREAT invention.
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On December 30th I spat a piece of Snickers bar onto our Postman after opening the front door into my own chin, causing a choke reaction. I was choking and laughing too hard to speak, the Postman was horrified.
